Dynamics of groups (and me)

I am back. From a seminar. A group dynamics one. And it was good. I feel that I have been myself during the whole stay (it was a one-week-seminar at the University of Klagenfurt) and it made a difference... especially to the group, which consisted of really remarkable individuals. Oh my, this is getting me sentimental.

For those, who never were at a group dynamics seminar / workshop, it is a one-week experience aimed at the processes within groups. The participants are individuals with different backgrounds, nobody knows anybody else and you start. Sitting in a circle. Being silent. Everything else just happens: the first person to speak, the people to open up, to build relationships, to clarify those and provide the constituing group with a common understanding about itself. Making the group actionable.

And it also lets you learn something about yourself as it did for me. Even that it did not paint any new strokes, it did reinforce the picture I had of myself even stronger: I am hedonistic (searching for what gives me pleasure - which defines my motivation towards certain activities while others are unattractive to me (e.g. writing my thesis currently)), I am mostly reactive (I am waiting for something to happen to make my move) and I am the socialy glueing person in groups having the role of a translator or mediator as long as the group does not acquire this competence.

The question which opens up for me is how to tackle this situation. Especially the reactive attitude bothers me quite a lot. I would like to see myself as an active person (if not proactive) in some aspects. I have to think about a way to learn this by trying out new ways of behaving. I know this is not something I can change with snipping my fingers... rather seeing the long-road in front of me.

Maybe a good goal for 2006. :)

Renewal

I feel so renewed! Something in me has been created during the night of Friday, when I was at the i:q fest... and I think the drag show has to do something with it. :)

Yeah, there are no typos: I did do a drag performance! *yeah* And even that I was totally nervous and my legs were shaking the whole time when on stage lipsyncing to Charlene's "I've never been to me" (which many of you certainly know from Priscilla, The Queen of the Desert), I was so happy to do it. This year certainly has become the year I try out things I have never done but always wanted! I mean, I am not such a fan of being in drag, it is rather the performance and the feedback from the crowd which I am interested in. And I can tell you, it is a great pleasure to see people enjoying it and receiving compliments afterwards. (Thanks!)

...but coming back to the new feeling: I feel stronger and more determined. As if the performance would have shown me the power I have. (Feeling like She-Ra soon: "By the honor of Greyskull!") *g* I feel more beautiful, more selfesteemed, more of being out there, living my life than actually sitting in my room and soulfucking myself using a diary.

Oh, btw, for those, who would be interested how things are going with my unexpected encounter: he has a great long-lasting relationship and is living a city far away... so we settled for a friendship and I am happy with it. It is great to find such a great friend! Thanks, L.

An unexpected encounter

It made me laugh internally... Just several hours before I have been sitting with Stefan and Severin in the Top Kino cafe and been talking about love and how it is hard to find: the love, which comes unexpectingly, suddenly, surprisingly... You are at a party, do not know anybody, drinking wine, feeling slowly and slowly getting tired of the alcohol... still, the time is nice, the people are just like you and me, dancing to the songs of Boney M. and such... there is a positive tune in the air, and also in your mood... you do not know how, but suddenly you are talking to a guy... he is handsome, interesting, funny... special looks in his and your eyes follow... the touch, the skin feels so soft... you are thinking of this being a fantasy... :)

Well, I always get reminded that these things exist at the precise moments when I feel like losing faith in love and life, when my life is getting inconsistent... like yesterday...

It happened.
And I am glad.

Thanks L, you made me believe again! :)

(Image by Jorn Henrik: The Unexpected III)

Haven't cried so much in a long time

I really surprise myself sometimes... like just now... I have been watching Whale Rider and was weeping constantly for the last 15 minutes... Fifteen minutes! Can you imagine that... I mean, there wasn't even SUCH a sad moment within the movie, however the final pictures made me feel so desolate and saddened... I think the movie really well connects the intimate story of Paikea as the unwanted child within the line of chiefs and the disintegrating nation of the Whangara. But crying so much... I always knew I am a crybaby... but this! :)

Brodeuses

On a totally different note: I have been again surprised by a movie. Brodeuses (Perlenstickerinnen) is a beautiful piece of cinematography and script interpretation by the camera under the helm of Éléonore Faucher as director of this french movie.
Claire, a 17-year old, is pregnant. She cuts the relationship with her parents, and moves into the city, her only bond being her younger brother Thomas. She covers up her feelings under the veil of angriness, her growing belly under several layers of vests and jackets. She is decided not to keep the baby but give it to adoption. Her only bright moments are the hours spent with embroidery... but that is not what the film is about...
It is about patterns in our lifes which we embroid. It is about the patterns we create and fill with happiness, beauty and love or even sadness, truth and pain. What is the pattern you are working on right now?

Single and looking?

After I have received the word yesterday from a prospect of mine that he "only" wants to remain friends with me, I feel more and more free... Seems to me like any falling in love ties up my energy and if not resolved in a relationship or parting, makes me feel desolate. Which is just really bad, I tell you! :(

On the other hand, I have the feeling of belonging more and more to myself... and compelled to listen to what my inner voice is saying: There are right now two other guys who I find kind of attracted to however I lack the vibes of falling in love with any of them... even if it is only on a superficial basis of looks and behavioural attitude. I kind of cannot move without that feeling... There is no "later"... just "now".

So... I shall keep waiting... single... but looking?
No, not really... :)

I am a wildcart!

Which File Extension are You?

Galway taxi

"I can't get married in this country"
were your words as you were
driving us home

and I didn't need the question
asked by Alison (to know
you are gay)

epecially after you've complained
that Outrageous did close
(maybe because of the name?)

the truth that
you are in a long-term relationship
kind of surprised me however
as I thought you are kind of cute too

Chill-out

Several random news from today:

1. London has been awarded EuroPride 2006! This is great news, and I cannot even imagine how full Oxford and Regent Streets will be that day! Mass murder!!! :))) I am quite happy however, I shall get a cheap RyanAir ticket and see the show! It will definitely be worth it.

2. I learned about functionalism in architecture as my father currently tries to invest in a building which is protected under the city's Protection Act for historical buildings... I know this one however and it really will not matter whether the windows will be plastic or wooden... Actually, if we should be in accordance with the functionalism principle, the plastic ones would actually better serve the purpose. *godad*

3. Brokeback Mountain is a hype somehow... I have just joined the new brokebacksupport group at Yahoo! for all those fans who cannot wait till the movie hits the cinemas. (Which actually in Europe should be around Feb 2006! *anger*) However, I have heard from a source within the Viennale that they actually may show it already in October!!! *yeeeha* (I swear, if this happens, I get a cowboy costume to the premiere!) :)

On and off the road

Two days ago I have come back from my little one-week road trip through the UK and Ireland. And it was such a pleasure!
Dana and Gerhard (I think of them as D&G) :) got married last Thursday in Galway, Ireland, and I felt very happy to be able to join them on this occasion. They are a wonderful couple and I surely wish them only the Best! You both rock, you know it, guys! (I am such a fan of theirs!!! *blushing*)
Well, before that I have visited London and met Uli, Ulli, Jen and Andrew, and had a great time with all of them! (Thanks to Andrew I am now a proud owner of The Transformers Original 80's cartoon's DVD set of the first season! Which blasts!) Afterwards I spent two days in Dublin, just walking around the city and meeting friends: Suzy (you may visit her blog here) and Ruth... I really enjoyed it tremendously! I have even departed to the airport on Wednesday meeting Ruth again as she was dispatching for Amsterdam that day (having an IGLYO board meeting).
But that was still not the end of it: me traveling back with Alison (another friend and guest at D&G's wedding party) to Falkirk in Scotland. And I tell you, it was such a great trip! We have done a small tour through the Trossachs National Park north of Glasgow and I have spent an unforgetable evening with her family too... Wow! Scotland is definitely a place to see. I warmheartly recommend it!
Well, that was the trip. I did not think of how deep in work issues I will be after I return. (I should actually know after receiving my boss'es phone call just several minutes after returning back to Vienna that he needs me badly in the office tomorrow... and that I should be braced for work!) And that was actually the reason why I am blogging so lately... I have not had enough time to organise myself at home yet, figuring out that I most probably never will. :)

But enough of my traveling and work...
I have just discovered that one of my most awaiting movies this year: Brokeback Mountain (IMDB) has just been awarded the Golden Lion for the Best Film at the prestigeous Venice Film Festival! *yeeeha*
The film is starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger as two cowboys falling in love in the summer of 1963 while sheepherding in the harsh, high grasslands of Wyoming; Ang Lee directing it. Boys and girls, I just hope this film will make it into the Viennale selection this year enabling me to see it already in October! *fingerscrossed*

Like a sponge

It is weird... In the last month I have been so spongy, it is getting almost unbearable! I mean the longing... I am longing for some kind of closeness. And it is getting me crazy. I want to feel it! I just want to feel something... something nice. Love, kindness, touching somebody with care and meaning it at the same time. Being true about those feelings... Being there in the moment and enjoying it fully and still being sure that this is something I can count on tomorrow. Is it too much wanted?

I did see Life as a house again just now. I like the movie. It is a story about closeness, hugs, protecting each other, giving, loving, spontaneity and life... as it happens. It makes me cry here and there. And I like it when I cry... at least in that moment I feel a bit alive.

And I know I want to raise kids. :)

Sardegna was it

I am back. The radio silence was due to my holidays in Sardinia (island of Italy), which I have spent with my family (parents and brother) in a hotel near Oristano. While many of the co-visitors were quite displeased with the hotel quality, the mensa and the black woody algae near the shore, I was quite okay with it. My brother was totally hyperactive and tried out almost all physical activities possible: canyoning, tennis, windsurfing, etc. Me, I was his sports buddy.
Those of you, who know me, will know that I am not a good type of person for a sports buddy but I can assure you, I have really given everything! *g* Well, almost.

Btw, arriving back on the continent made me feel down a bit. The weather conditions in Vienna are now terrible: it is drizzling all the time, the sky is grey and I felt not really all happy today.

Oh, and I have also one other bit of news - I will be visiting London, Dublin, Galway and Edinburgh during the week of September 5th, so those of my folks, who are around should let me know if they are available. And all the other readers: if you know something worth while doing or seeing in these cities, let me know! I am open to any ideas. :)

Shift down!

Matt is blogging about "downshifting" and I think this is a unique thing in nowadays world.

Sounds like some people finally got to the point where they realise that there is more to our lives than work and consumption. To a point where they abandon the stereotypical paths of the societal wishes and listen to the voices of their souls. After reading the article Matt is linking to, I found out that this sounds like a pan-continental plead towards a new way of looking at our lives and the economy's reasons for existence. Are we here to work to live or to live to work? (I also understand that there are strong cultural issues behind this, however the capitalism's supply-oriented lifestyle is slowly entering into a crisis and I am very curious how much yet to get the buckle full...)

Crustacés et coquillages

Oh my goodness! What a movie! :) Please, everybody, go and see this one! Crustacés et coquillages truly is one of the most funniest and sweet and easy to watch and refreshing and gay and beautifuly shot movies of this summer season! :)

A french family inherits a house at the Cote D'Azure and moves there for the summer vacations: mother Beatrix is a young free-thinker diva with Dutch upbringing, Marc - the father a conservative angry looking Frenchman, Charly a young boy in his puberty discovering his body (and taking long showers). The whole idylic family however gets under tension after Martin, a young gay friend of Charly, arrives. Is Charly gay too? Are they both together? Suddenly everything seems to come out...

What I think the movie succeeds at is the mixture of the realistic portrayal of the different relationships between the characters and their way towards finding about each other and at the same time making you realise that this actually is only a movie. The two musical-like singing sequences are perfectly done and just as refreshing as the movie itself... :)

The film was directed by Olivier Ducastel and Jacques Martineau and presented at the Berlin Film Festival this year. Do not forget to check out the nice karaoke version of the main film song on it's official french website!

P.S. And btw: I love the plumber too! ;)

Ivan Krasko: Poplars

Hey, poplars, towards the heaven!
Around them wide fields - -
Rising high, black
- As pains he feels - -
Poplars.

Hey, poplars, leafless!
Will of darkness' ghost
Proud they stay ramshackly,
In cold, wind naked most
Poplars.

Hey, poplars, without life at all!
Standing speechless in a circle
- Nirvana-like illusions -
Empty looking down
Poplars.

Hey, the proud highest poplars!
Like their look my soul fades...
Up...? Down...? Into nirvana...?
- As a threadbare raven
Into night...

(Picture: Mark Williams - Three Poplars)

Earl Grey with milk, please

Sitting in Cafe Berg. Earl Grey with milk, Esterhazy cake. Talking to Holger. A friend. Quite a special one. He makes me realize different things about me. For example how much s&*t I actually produce, carry within me and push onto others. Emotional stuff. It hits me always I am with him. He is the first person after years making me realize this. Thanks, Holger!

I want to leave this vicious circle of me hating my body and hating myself for being too shy and not taking initiative in my life. Or at least not in the areas of life where I would like to. And about me thinking nice things about myself when deeply I know how much I long to be hurt, to be abandoned, just: to feel like s&*t... (I feel a weird pleasure in that)...and close the circle again.

Though, the whole thing is faulty...
It is the perspective of a victim:
"I am not responsible. It just happens to me. Again and again... They are guilty! No, not me."

I think my problem is the fear... however also the fear is a product of something, isn't it? Maybe deficit-thinking... Maybe my upbringing... Maybe the socialized "winner takes it all" attitude... Maybe my perfectionism... And maybe I just do not want to be hurt so I do not allow it in the first place... And maybe I just take the whole life too serious... :P

I should learn to let go... not to desire to control... just feel... and enjoy! ;)

Il più bel giorno della mia vita

I think that one of the most touching films this summer is the italian The most beautiful day in my life, which not only circles around three generations of an italian family with their little cracks and secrets but while doing so, creates as emotional stasis for the viewer: you become a part of the family. And it teaches you that there is no right or wrong and that love is so infividual. Each and every one of the family members has a different experience with love, all of them unique. The film does succeed where Playing by heart did not: it is realistic. The generational conflict - traditionalistic and conservative grandma vs. the modern new generation - suddenly turns upside down, as we discover that the children are actually the one producing this gap, not the mother, which we would suspect... and thus creating an imperative for us to look into ourselves and open up. In the end, it is about our family. Isn't it?

When thinking about the most beautiful day in my life... there is non in particular. Rather there are moments I cherish. Memories I plunge into while daydreaming. Feelings. Acts. Movements. Outside and inside...

In the mood for love

Am I? Am I really in the mood for love? I rather think I am... Sometimes I have moments of me feeling powerful and autark. In those moments I feel like I could bring the Earth out of its trajectory. (Almost like Superman!) :)) But those are the moments I do not need anything in. In those, I am not in mood for (receiving) love...

I have seen the film yesterday. (I am speaking about Wong Kar-Wai's In the Mood for Love.) And it is so rich in undertones, so subtle in acting and so precise in scene setting... Everybody was taking it so seriously in the cinema, I was one of the few who allowed themselves to laugh from time to time upon puns and little glimpses of understanding, which makes the movie so moving!
Tony and Meggie are doing a great job in portraiting the main characters, the acting in their relationship, the sexual undertones without nudity is strong and the longing for eachother is almost unbearable... Thanks, Wong!

Too many things on my mind

First - sorry for not writing in such a long time. I have been soooo busy (not really with my job and thesis though *g*) and could not really find the motivation for writing in my blog somehow... I've been to birthday parties (Happy B-Day, Geb!), I've been to Frühschoppen in Upper Austria (Thanks for the hospitality of Martin!) and I've been at home in Slovakia playing tennis, sunbathing, swimming (especially the Alte Donau is extremely beautiful and warm - my recommendations!).

And now... Now, I am back. The next two weeks will be about studying and work but I am happy about it as I have the feeling that I will be able to get the work I have to do, done! ;) And I will be getting tanned and a bit sporty, as I am leaving for Sardinia in a two weeks time and by that I do not want to look like a tourist there (even that I know, I will). *g*

But now it is time for Bewegen! ;) See you later, my friends.

Oh, btw: I accidentaly found a web site of a very talented artist - Beverly Naidus, whose images I kind of totally fell for. As a glimpse of her work, here is the Yucca Mountain Boddhisattva:
She combines chakras and their power into the picture of the worlds outside and inside us. That is what I really like about her work. The interdependence existing in our universe.
(And btw, having so many things on my mind, I feel the need for such a Boddhisattva in me...) ;)

Bewegen and add on!

Today I was moving... I mean - moving my body. Well, actually it was my body which was moving. Not me. Okay... maybe it's too complicated. Let's start from the beginning: Veronika, a friend of mine, is doing a body moving workshop, which is just a brilliant idea and I was part of it for the first time today. We moved as our bodies wished (please, no funny dirty here!) and it was just great to behave like a child again or an animal or play with Veronika and giggle and have a blast of a time! It all lasted 20 minutes but it make me just feel so free! :) I'm loving it!

Also, coming back home I have visited the add on. 20 Höhenmeter Project at the Wallensteinplatz (Gesundheit!), which has grown near my place. It is an arts project consisting of a temporary habitat construction made of free standing scaffolding with crazy add-ons like a camper, open-air bar, green house, computer lounge. There are several artists from Austria, Slovakia, Czech Republic, Turkey and Germany, who are living in the habitat and presenting their works at different days for the next six weeks. If you can, just drop by and certainly take a look. The construction is open every day till midnight and (!) it is free!

Btw, the look from the top is really cool in the night. You can even feel like the whole 20 meters high construction moves a bit, how every step any person on the habitat makes moves the whole thing! (And of course it is a bit scary! While being at the top, all kinds of different this-thing-is-going-to-fall scenarios rushed through my mind but... here I am! I survived!)

Berni's Blog Party

Berni, who is my flat-share and a celebrity in the 20th district of Vienna *g*, has organised a small blog party in Cafe Frame, which is just around the corner of our place. The reason of the party was to celebrate the 1000st visitor on her blog. Congrats and best wishes for another 1000! ;-)

We talked, we laughed, we had some drinks and danced to traditional Balkan music in the end... it was a GREAT blog party and I hope to host one too as soon as I get my 1000 clicks!

Here some impressions:

Mauthausen

Yesterday my flat-share friends and myself have been to Mauthausen, one of the painful places in human history so far... It was one of the concentration camps during the second world war and even that it was designed as a working camp, it was regarded as one of the most brutal ones as it belonged to the highest level of camp typology. Mauthausen is now a museum and a memorial. You cry as you walk down the main avenue. You stumble upon personal stories of people who have been there and survived... or not. During the time Mauthausen was functional, more than 100.000 people have lost their lives behind the camp walls. And you feel their pain... behind every wall, under the ground, in the buildings you enter. It makes you weep... and swear not to allow something similar again.

We shall never forget!

As I was walking throughout the camp I have stumbled upon two (most probably) turkish boys playing in the free. The day was a bit under clouds, though still a pleasant day. For them it was an afternoon like any other...
For me it was refreshing to see them there on site, in Mauthausen. It has given the place a new life... a new hope... that there still lies hope for the next generation to decide otherwise.

...and I have thought of all the war conflicts which are happening daily around the globe and how much we diminish as the human race. One by one... killing each other... second by second... It is just sad.

Queere Lieder für die Liebe

On Tuesday, the Volxtheater singers and friends gave a performance at the EKH in Vienna. Queer Songs for Love was one of the main events of the identities queer film festival and... I have been part of it! :)

The evening was a total blast from my point of view! It was just mesmerizing to be there! The guys on and off stage were so supporting and everybody was enjoying it tremendously, I think! (Well, at least, I did!)
I have sung I am too sexy (from Right Said Fred) and loved the song... I got a bit shocked as I have almost fallen down from the stage *oops* at the same time my mic got numb and while I was changing to another I have totally lost the track of the song! Nevertheless, I enjoyed it! *g*
My thanks go to: the band (what a performance!), Ursula (whom I have been at the cashier's desk for the first half of the program), Karin (my co-singer for I fell in love with a dead boy from Antony and the Johnsons) and Jan (who has given me another mic when the first one has given up on me *g*). Thanks guys!

As soon as I stumble over some photos, I will upload and publish them. Here are some I have taken while we were rehearsing the songs:

Tarnation

It was as if an angel had touched the screen in the cinema. Pictures of pain, loss, forgiveness and hope. All of them. At once. Tarnation, by Jonathan Caouette a young (31) actor and film-maker, is telling his personal, very private story of growing up in a dysfunctional family in Houston, TX. His mother was sent from one mental hospital to another for many years, so he was actually raised by his grandparents. He started filming when he was 11 years old after getting his first camera.

Tarnation is a hell of a movie! Literally... It plunges into the very personal stories of Jon, his mum Renee and his grandparents. It lets you feel desolate though still hope for a chance of getting better. When Jon starts crying at 5 am in the restroom you want to turn off the camera yourself and just hold him tight because you know he is in pain because of who he might become. And because he loves.

I wanted to see the film since it opened in the US last year however wasn't able to do so till now. (Thanks identities for bringing it to Vienna!) See it, if you dare.
It also triggered a journey of my own. (I have to look onto our family footage to see what kind of teenager I have been.) I was thinking of my family. How my life was till now. Steady as a beating drumm, I suppose. Calmness before the storm? Maybe...

I have also found out how much I love my family. Especially my brother. And how much I actually care for him. Thanks for being the Best brother I could wish for! :) I love you.



P.S. For the fans of Tarnation: the great minimalistic original music by Max Avery Lichtenstein can be found at the website of Tin Drum Recordings.

Person of the Week: Me

Who would ever think about me being at one point a Person of the Week! Unbelievable but true... and of course I am totally modest about it. ;)

Zeil2 is a EU supported project aiming at the revitalization of several regions within the city of Vienna (focused on the 2nd and 20th district). The people of the Ziel2 also want to draw a picture of how life is in these city regions, therefore two of my flat-share colleagues (Eva and Berni) and myself have been interviewed for their website. The interviews have been published online last week or so under the title People of the Week.

The link to my interview is here.

Btw, identities, the Viennese queer film festival started today with the premiere of D.E.B.S. (which I did not see so far). I am planning to go and see several movies, so may bump into me in Filmcasino or Top Kino almost every day from now on.

Welcome... and sumersault!

Well, I suppose the first blog posting should be kind of a welcome message... Therefore I decided against. :)
I thought of it and felt it would be an unproper usage of words. I would rather like to tell you that I have just came back from the cinema. Gartenbau is playing Sumersault (by Cate Shortland) till 9th of June (so you still have a possibility to see this marvellous movie!) and as being such a fan of Australian cinema, I wanted to see it.

For those, who do not know the movie: it is a visual journey of a spectacular girl, who seduces her mother's boyfriend and is caught while doing so; she decides to leave home and moves to an other city. She is quite naive while being brave enough to find her ways around and survive. In Jindabyne she finds a boy whom she shares a interesting bond with. Though, both of them have issues: he is unable to show his emotions, is scared of what these could be and mean - she is longing for a friendship / relationship and uses all possibilities to get touched by somebody even if it means to get fucked without feelings being involved.
I have taken a walk home, which I do not so often, as I have needed the fresh air afterwards... the film was heavy on the one side, however unbelievably imaginative and visually beautiful which made the heaviness a bit lighter to bear. Though, my emotions about the film are still high. The people, living without acutally speaking to each other, living in their shells while hurting each other. A friend of mine once told me this is what people actually want - to get hurt.
I beg you, speak! Speak out! Now!

P.S. The movie's soundtrack by Decoder Ring is a must!