Twenty-eight

Another year in my life closes, another begins. I feel that the number 28 is a special one... it gives me confidence. According to numerology, 28 is reflected in the number 1 which is ruled by the Sun. It lies in the center of all the numbers, it shines with leadership. It provides gifts as self-suffiency, mastery and invention. It stands for establishing individuality and making a name. And I really feel that way. There is something changing in my inner self since this summer... maybe it was due to the process of finding the worth of living... instrumental for the things to come... maybe it is the full-time job I have started in November, and maybe it is me looking at life with eyes unclouded for a long time now, re-establishing my spirituality, which I thought, I have lost long time ago... but actually just were not able to see.

The change I speak of is towards a more free version of myself. Still true to my values of friendship, creativity, beauty and helpfulness but at the same time more focused on my passions, which previously may have been held by the chains of morality, fear and low self-esteem. This is surely just the beginning of the journey, however I hear the call louder each day. I reflect my actions more and thorough than ever. I feel like every step of mine is conscious in itself, like every eyes movement has a meaning...

But back to the numbers now... One posseses also several challenges: stubbornness, egotism, bluntness, ambition, dominance, willfulness and impulsiveness are just few to mention. And yes, I am conscious of those. Especially bluntness may be an easy hole to fall in. I am not speaking of bluntness of words, as that one is just a progression of the bluntness of the hearth, the bluntness of the soul. It could happen when I would begin to be consumed with myself too much. And maybe I already am... *shudder* Reflection needed.

At the end - a quick but warm-hearted thanks to all who thought of me! Best wishes to all of you!

(picture by: Simon Ripley)

Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte

Yes, ladies and gents! My personal cooking adventure is going on. This weekend was really tough as Ines, my lovely flat-mate has a b-day today and I could not relly come up with a present... so, I have finally decided to bake her a birthday cake. A really special one too... as it is one of the most world known baking specialities... directly from the Black Forest region in Germany - behold: Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte!

When I look back at this, this is the first time I was really doing a big cake like this and to be honest, I knew, the Kirschtorte is no fun to do... but it was a challenge and I am really keen on taking those, so as the first step, I researched the recipe. It was not hard to find... There are two sites, which give you a pretty detailed info about how to do it: here (in German) and here (in English). Both are very similar, so I took that for a sign of proof and started baking. That was yesterday... and I failed miserably... The thing, which came out of the oven was a misformed chocolate flying disc hard as stone... well, not as stone, but certainly hard to eat... what a failure! I began to search for the mistake in my making and found several: first, I was too harsh on the dough, as the ingredients should have been fonded in while I have been mixing it pretty hard... using a electric hand mixer... no wonder the thick (but yummy)chocolate mass was not going to grow in the oven... I also have put the oven too high on temperature... Well, nevertheless... I felt like this is not going to bring me down and I will succeed, so I made myself a promise to try again day after. (Which is today... and I tell you, I overdid myself! *just my humble opinion*)

I have been following a different recipe now, from the Bayerisches Kochbuch of my other flat-mate Melanie. For the cake body you need:

6 eggs
1 tablespoon lemon juice
125 g sugar
60 g fine flour
30 g Maizena
40 g cacao
bit of baking powder
butter and flour for the baking tray

First, separate the egg whites from the yellows. The whites have to be beaten thoroughly. Then, add the one tablespoon of lemon juice and mix it in. Mix in also the sugar - but slowly, spoon by spoon. Beat it further more, until it is white and shiny. It should look something like this:


Separately, beat the egg yellows. Also separately, mix the fine flour, Maizena, cacao and baking powder together. Now, slowly and bit by bit fond these ingrediences into the beaten egg whites. The volume of the mass will diminish but not too much... Be very careful when doing this, as I have screwed up at this point last time. When finished, your dough is ready and may be poured into the buttered and floured baking form. Does it also look like this?


Put the form into the pre-heated oven and bake it for around 45 min. at 180 degree Celsius.
When finished, place it outside the oven to cool. Later, take off the form. Be careful not to brake the cake! (I almost did!) *g*
Go to sleep or have sex with your boy/girl/friend/buddy and come back later... (when the cake is cold)
So far, you have been a master cook and did well. Now, depending on the thickness of your base, decide whether you will cut it into two or three slices. As I was using a really big form (ca. 28 cm in diameter), I could only cut it in two.
As the next step, I have prepared the cherry filling. You need:

1 big jar (500 g) of sour cherries
1 tablespoon of lemon juice
4 tablespoons of Maizena
10 tablespoons of sugar
1/2 or 3/4 liter of whipped creme
two small glasses of cherry liquor
chocolate splinters for decoration

This is the return to the previously mentioned recipes... both start with preparation of the cherry filling: separate the cherries from their sirup (and place about 14 cherries aside for final decoration). Put 1/4 liter of the cherry sirup and the lemon juice in a souce pan and cook it. When boiling, add 4 tablespoons of sugar and the same amount of Maizena. This will thicken the mass... mix it and let it boil for one minute. Now, add the cherries and slowly - not to brake them - fond them into this sauce. When boiling again, you are finished.

Now, take the bottom slice of your base and sprinkle it with the cherry liquor. Then, place a thin spread of whipped cream on it. On top of this, draw three symmetrical circles (using a pastry bag - I did not have one, so I was fighting the whipped cream with a spoon, which can get quite messy), in between which you will place the cherry souce. Do this. You may use all of your souce. Now, you should have created a nice white-and-red circle pattern. (I am very sorry, I do not have a picture of this, as it would help most to have a look.) Place your second cake slice on top of it, press it down gently. If you sliced your cake base into two, you are finished and may began spreading the rest of the whipped cream on top and decorating the cake. (If you still have a third slice left, sprinkle the second again with the cherry liquor and cover it thick with whipped cream. Place the third slice on top of this.)

As decoration, I did not use much... just the rest of the cream, spread all over the cake and the cherries on the top of it in a circle... and grated chocolate in the middle. The result is still waiting to be eaten and looks like this:


Now, how does your look? And how does it taste? Let me know! :)

Happy Birthday, Ines!

Listening to: Rebekah Jordan and her amazing EP called The Trouble with Fiction

Gordon just gives me chills

I have seen Rent in Cleveland about two and a half years ago. And I wasn't really astouned by it. The story seemed to be rather choppy, too many characters to focus on, the main story arc too simple and weak to hold it all.

But I found the new feature adaptation of the musical very well done. My favourite piece is the one in life support, where Gordon, one of the guys complains about his T-cells... His solo gets me chills! He is so good! And it is a brilliant piece of music...

Look - I find some of what you teach suspect
Because I'm used to relying on intellect
But I try to open up to what I don't know

Because reason says I should have died
Three years ago.

For all those, who did not see it... There is a small bit of it at YouTube. Go and get it! :)

Listening to: Rent, The Original Broadway Cast

Eureka!

Yes, I have found it! The meaning of my life. I know it actually sounds very silly as it is a rather long-term thing to find the reason to live and be sure, I am also quite surprised with the outcome of my reflection, however it somehow fits me and it reflects my persona very well, I think, so I am going to stick with it for now.

Btw, I have been blogging about my goals (this one included) on the 43thing.com website, which enables you to follow up on your goals, reminds you of them and let you be inspired by other people achieving these things. My goals may be found here.

And now, the meaning of my life, ladies and gentlemen is:
to be satisfied with myself.

Maybe it sounds very simple, but believe me, most complex things are. Some people would like to be happy, other search for fame or would like to be remembered. Maybe those could be side-effects of what I want but not primary reasons to live. Be self-satisfied is a good reason to go on. And when I say satisfied, I mean satisfied on all aspects of my life: my mind (mental), body (physical) and soul (emotional, spiritual, social levels).

This reflection later brought me to the notion of holistic view of one's life. In the last weeks, I have been reading more about different theories of holistic lifestyles. The structures of body/mind/soul or physical/mental/emotional/spiritual both acutally talk about the same stuff - a view on a person from multiple perspectives. And I really believe, all of these have to be satisfied for me to feel in balance. Which brings me to another outcome of this little exercise and this being my spiritual self.

I believe, I have been up to many things during my life but non of them actually represented a spiritual context of the world. I have been raised without a religion however in humanistic ideals, which put the aspects of human ethics and solidarity at the very top of all the values. The faith in a transcendental context was however missing. I feel an urge now to find this context for me. Maybe it will guide me towards a religion (a thought, which right now, I am not very found of) but I would rather like to start with myself. I would like to explore my spirituality. This is what I want to be engaged with in the next couple of months. ;)

Listening to: Osho - Chakra Sounds Meditation

The meaning of my life?

I would have never guessed... but the moment came and I have lost the earth under my feet, the whole universe began to collapse and I was at its center. No, let's be fair: I was the universe.

To be precise: since one week, I am in a crisis - I am unsure about the meaning of my life.


(by Christina Rosalie)

It began with the feeling of being able to accomplish anything I would set for. Suddenly, I knew that if I would like to pursue a career in management, I could make it to the top. I knew that if I would like to become a singer, I would succeed. That if I would begin to study for a new profession, I would do it. With this feeling - this awareness of my power to accomplish anything I would set for - everything became possible. And for a moment, I felt like a god. (Not in the divine sense, rather the practical one.) Nothing could stand in my way, everything was achievable... and there was the problem: the possibility of having it all.

If I can have something, I lose my motivation to get it. I just need to know I can... That is enough. (Maybe that is the best test to know whether I really want something or not.) But... that means too that most of the time I am lingering around without feeling really aroused about anything. Everything seems to be easy and nothing has the challenge I would love to see. Would you call it depression? I am not sure... I did not feel depressed, it felt empty but not because I would lack motivation. No, because I did not know where to search for it.

These feelings made life a dull experience... There was nothing what I *really* wanted, what I *really* longed for. For I did not know *why* I should want it. There was little reason to posses something... so it is not the possession of something I am after. It is not the fame. It is not the money nor the knowledge that I can buy something. I felt - and that was the point - I *felt* that what makes life real are feelings... not the superficial ones but rather the originals: joy about something beautiful, sadness about a loss, love towards those I care for, calmness about the tranquility of the silence, etc. Of all things, these originate in us, these are the basic stepping stones.

And thus... after three days of thinking... I have come to the conclusion, that what is desirable for me is what I feel like the moments wants me to do. That was two days ago. Since than, I did not write a word in my thesis. I rather followed my instincts: I have been reading (about managerial finance, which I wanted so long ago), and I have been re-reading some comics (which I love! check out the Bronze series, it is soooo cool!) and I have began to read japanese hiragana again (so I can get fluent in it) and I have did some cleaning in my room (so I feel at home again) and yesterday I even felt like going to work, so I did! I know it sounds crazy, I know. :) Janean said to me, it sounds like Dupree... maybe it does, I did not see the movie so far, so I cannot tell... but that is how I feel. And it makes me feel good.

I still did not figure out whether that is the meaning of my life... or what is... or what I want to do with it... but... it kind of makes me happy right now, so I am going to stick to it. For now... ;)

Slovak Paradise... for me

Today was such a pleasant and well-being day of mine... Ah, I am feeling so well, I could not stop moaning... of joy! :)

First things first however: my brother dragged me out of our place this noon to engage in a trekking tour through one of the most original Slovak national parks: Slovak Paradise. I say it is most original as it is one of the most untouched places in Slovakia. (This maybe changes successively, as we discovered not only Czech or Polish citizen camping in the park but also Belgian, German and Dutch ones too.) The park's nature with it's rare beauty resembles a Central European jungle: the brooks are rocky, with moose and fallen trees. You need to climb them up holding on to the chains which guide you through this depths of the forest. (Btw, the first person on the ladder is me, the other one is my brother's girlfriend, Patricia.)


When up on the hills, it is a world of vast planes. We crossed those and headed East towards a saddle called Devil's head (with a great scenery outlook).


The good thing is, that you are also learning on the way, as you discover interesting natural phenomena: this time they were carst sinks, which are geological desolations causing sinking of the soil into ca. three to ten meters of depth.

Second thing: after the 5 hour-tour we decided to make a stop in Poprad and go for a swim in the new Aqua City wellness resort. Oh my goodness, it felt sooo good! First, I had a steam bath and later was swimming in a thermal water basin... and in the end, Richard made go and try out the water slides... they were so much fun! It was maybe also becuase there were not many people at the center due to the finale of the soccer world championship.

Third: After the swimming and bathing made us hungry enough, we stopped by at a typical Slovak restaurant in Poprad, the koliba, for dinner. I ordered Tatra raznici: in an aluminum foil baked mixture of three kinds of meat, potatoes and onions. It was just sooo yummy!!! Superb! I recommend this restaurant to everybody!

Love in... love out...

I am currently experiencing something long time forgotten... somehow, I am getting to know (again) that I can easily fall in love. I mean, it is hard to find the right guy to do so, however if I do (or if he does), my heart does not lose time to do so. I tend to put on my pinky glasses very fast. :) On the one hand side, I am quite happy about it: there is not much hassle about falling in love... on the other hand side, I tend to overdo some stuff when in love, behaving almost like a stalker, bombing the person in question with text messages and thinking about him all the time... which leads me to the worst-case scenario - getting dumped. And that happens quite often, even that I do not get the idea why... Am I that not-likable?

Nevertheless... I wanted to write that I am feeling so good today! Full of energy and passion and joy. Dunno why, the feeling is just present. And it gives me a day-long high. Maybe the discussion with my guiding professor regarding my master thesis this noon has enabled me to let go of the barriers holding me back. It sounds like I should be finished with it by the mid of August, which is great! And precisely within the timeline I have set myself to follow. :)

For those of you, who want to meet me during the summer: I spend most of my time in Vienna (yup, writing my thesis). There will be maybe some prolonged weekends I will be out of the city (e.g. in Prag or home in Slovakia or Budapest) but more or less, Vienna is the place to get hold of me, so let me know!

little haiku for mjk

you sounded me
as strong as the Pummerin
with an unexpected kiss

Cheer up, cheer down

To be honest, I am currently in quite a divided mood... On the bright side, my last (REALLY LAST) exam at the WU Wien is over and I have passed. That means there are two things which have to be done before I can call myself a magister: I have to finish my thesis and the course of Intercultural training, which I have done as a preparation for my exchange year abroad has to be transfered to my new study programme. I expect both to be done within the next two months.

For all of you that means that I will be having my graduation party in probably late September and my official graduation on either October 5th or 6th. So please, be so nice and save this date for me.

On the downside... Mr. T's heart has decided to abandon his affection for me which leaves me single again. Well, who would have guessed that? *g*

Still, I fell fine and have so much to do these days, I cannot even start thinking about feeling down or something... My computer needs to be set up anew. I want to give the new Suse 10.1 version a try. Also other distros have caught my attention: Underground Linux, Arch Linux, Frugalware - to mention at least some of them. :)

Btw... on 9th June, i:q - identity:queer is having another party at the Architektur Bar of the TU in Vienna, you are more than welcome to come and join us! I will be most probably doing a drag performance again this time, so be there and watch me whirl my skirts! *ggg*

Cher quotes, Marathon and Love

Ok, this is maybe a shock for some of you... (certainly for the gay community) but I have only today discovered what a great chic Cher is! Freizeit of Kurier, an Austrian daily, had a feature about the 1964 singer and actress, which kind of summed up her career and lifestyle, incl. some of her greatest quotes...

My Top 5:

5. "I think that the longer I look good, the better gay men feel."

4. "I don't like Bush. I don't trust him. I don't like his record. He's stupid. He's lazy."

3. "A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones."

2. "Men should be like Kleenex: soft, strong and disposable."

and *fanfare*

1. "If you really want something you can figure out how to make it happen."

According to those, I see her as a strong and independent woman who knows what she wants and is steady with her opinions. I like that... It feels like what I would like to be myself, even that I know, I am not really able to lose some of my rigidness and conservative views that soon, still, I am getting more and more stronger lately. :)


Second news: some of you know, some of you do not... I was taking part in the Vienna City Marathon as part of a 4-person-relay. I had the first part which was 16 km and I really felt great! The day began very good, the weather was perfect. Little sun, not as much wind blowing, good temperature for a long run. Even that the beginning kind of got me unprepared as I did not expect all the other people running that fast... I was quite buffled by that. I really gets your mood down if all the people are overtaking you within the first two kilometers. However, I did not let myself get lose and continued within my rhythm and made the 16 km in 1:42 h. which actually is less than I expected (1:45 till 2:00 h.), so I am really happy about that! I certainly plan to go on with running. It felt good and made me appreciate my body a lot.


And now the love stuff... Hm. Dunno what to say, Mr. T is letting me hanging in the limbo right now. I am not sure how the relationship will develop... maybe it is the distance, maybe it is me / us, maybe something else. Dunno. I do like him, that is what I know. I kind of feel however that I am slowly telling myself to let loose... to lessen the emotional bond a bit... which probably is a trick to let myself not get hurt that much when I get walked out on. Well, we will see.

(Love 4: picture by Diego Manuel)

Desperate... but still content?

It is a weird feeling... I partly feel desperate and would love to ass-kick myself million times, however partly I feel content and calm. I cannot really come up with an explanation for this comic co-habitat of those two very contrast feelings, maybe the co-existence of those two is possible due to the fact that I precisely know where they originate.

The desperation comes from my weak preparation for the exam I should be taking tomorrow. I mean, I am not clueless, however do not feel competent enough to take it. Sure I will go, at least I get a glimpse of how it is constructed and get a feeling for it next time, however I feel a cognitive dissonance (yup, that is one of the fancy words I am learning for my exam currently) growing in me and feel my selfesteem getting lower than ever... Maybe I need to watch a episode of Daria in Esteemers. *g* Ok, no. I need the time for my studying.

My other part is content and calm thanks to several issues: I have just eaten and it was wonderful (never underestimate your stomach!), I know I can complete the exam the next time, I have got to know somebody special and I fell in love a bit. (Yes, I am also shocked!)

Let's take the things one after the other... Today, I have attended a brunch with my friends from AIESEC. It was good, very friendly, and I did some socializing with the next generation of LC Vienna's EB-potentials... The brunch was at Weltcafe and here are some impressions from it:




Now, as I really cook like a miracle since the last two days, I have decided to go on and do something new today... Let me present, ladies and gentlemen: Strapačky! A very traditional Slovak meal, which actually is potatoe-based dumplings with sourkraut and bacon (here substituted with sausage-pieces).



Yes, yes... I know, some of you would love to know something more about me falling in love currently... yeah, something like that is indeed happening... and as you know, it always comes mostly unexpected. T is a great guy from Germany, who has been to Vienna last week and well... we met, we looked into each others eyes... and... hell yeah, it happened. *g*
That's it for now, more details next time. :)

Currently listening to Antonio Carlos Jobim's Agua de Beber from his great compilation of bossanova songs which I would certainly love to dance to with somebody... ;)

Three toques... at least!

I have made my way up to the stellar heights of the award-winning cooks by creating great stuff yesterday for supper and today for lunch. Geb (my flat-share mate) tells me, I should receive at least two and a half toques for my cooking skills! :) And I am just being happy that my friends enjoy what I cook for them.

Especially today, I made a real effort to produce the best boršč ever! My mum told me to substitute some of the ingeriences, so I have not been using real veal bones to cook but a buillon and also did not use vinegar but sourkraut, which made the whole thing even more juicy!


For those, who are not fluent in Eastern European (this time, Russian) kitchen, Boršč is a meat-and-vegetables soup, very thick and rather sweet-sour, reddish through the usage of beetroot. And... extremely tasty!

Here are some impressions before and after the cooking:



Currently listening to Madonna's I love New York on her latest album Confessions on a dance floor

Alex in Brokeback Mountain style

As some of you were curious enough to ask about the BBM-style of mine, I was silly enough to take the chance and do some photos of me with my precious belongings on... So, here I come!

The BBM-style consists of a

• cowboy hat, no name brand, indigo jeans material, size 58
  
• John Doyle shirt, Scotch & Soda brand, red-and-white flannel, worn-out style, size L
  
• jeans, 4U brand, style Ranger, model 6590, call 9677, size 33/34
  
• belt, HIS brand, brown wood texture, size 95

Any questions?

P.S. Do not regard the basket full of rubish next to me, nor my personal altar behind me. :)

Currently listening to Depeche Mode's I want it all from their album Playing the Angel

Brokeback Mountain

After seeing it already twice - second time at the gala evening in Filmcasino's re-opening on Thursday - I tend to regard Brokeback Mountain more and more critically. It still remains a pearl between the other trash in the movies right now, however there are certain facts which begin to annoy me. First is the choice of both main actors (Gyllenhall and Ledger) being that beautiful. Sure, it is easier and more pleasant to look at beautiful people, however this does not match with the book, which describes the guys as rough and kind of quirky. The other critical point is the fact that Ang Lee just did not have enough balls to make this a full blown movie about sexuality. He stays at the love side of the story to be safe and not risk the exposure of male-to-male sexuality. By that he neglects a main part of the story. The book as I see it is about desire: emotional, spiritual or physical. By negating one part of these, the other two just do not make sense anymore. The main characters remain in kind of a platonic stasis without a chance to get out of it. Such a pity.
Still, the movie is brilliant in many ways and should be seen!

To pay a tribute to the movie, I have actually bought several things to remind me of it: a flanel shirt, new jeans, and - of course - a cowboy hat! I was really fortunate to find all these things (some during my trip to Budapest, other during my skiing trip to Kaprun last week) and love all of them indeed. :)

Listening to Beautiful Boyz from Coco Rosie feat. Antony.

Social unavailability

I have decided to go socially unavailable...
My big exam is coming up at the end of March and I have to get going if I want to make it. It is almost 1200 pages, which makes me read about 300 pages per week... So far, I am doing good. Hopefully I get lucky!
That means sorry to all of my friends, who are not receiving any e-mails from me due to my busy-ness. I am certainly not forgetting you...

I am currently listening to the soundtrack of Crying Freeman, which is one of my favourite films. The music is so different and at the same time so powerfull - precisely as I like it to be. I certainly encourage you to give it a try. The composer is Patrick O'Hearn.

Weekend in Budapest

After a great party on Thrusday after the pre-premiere of the new laser show Queen in the Planetarium Wien and even better one during the Alumni Convention of AIESEC Slovakia in Bratislava, I have got on a train towards Budapest, which is the city where my very good friend Laszlo lives. He was celebrating his birth-day on Saturday and he was so kind to invite me to come along and stay at the place of his and his boyfriend's.

I have been to Budapest in the past, one stay especially stays in my mind... during the IGLYO conference in June 2003 (as far as I can remember the time precisely). And I fell in love with this city momentarily... The Danube, the Buda Castle, the little streets with old buildings, windows with mediterranean-looking shades, warm nights in the summer, beutiful night-sky sown with stars. You can imagine it, I suppose. :)

The party has been a blast and made me feel very good again after weeks of dubious mood... (that was maybe the reason I was absent from this blog of mine for such a long time). We have also been to the first gay party at the Moulin Rouge in Budapest called Kinky. I do not think the name was chosen wisely but... whatever, I do not care. The party was actually quite good. Very nice location, which actually is a cabaret theatre and great music! It really was a nice evening.

The next day, Laszlo and myself have been to the Cafe Central, which opens also on Sunday and had a great great lunch with Jokai bean soup (this is a must in Budapest!) and a grilled cheese on a salad main dish with a delicious (!) cheese dumplings with almonds afterwards... Wow! (Another great spot to eat is also Menza, which is a fancy but not expensive restaurant / cafe in a 60's style. Check it out!)

Btw, one of the billboards in Budapest was showing the hungarian prime minister Ferenc Gyurcsány 's ad for his personal blog... I thought it is a kind of nice thing from the prime minister to get personal on some issues by using a blog. :) As I am neither fluent nor basic in Hungarian, I cannot judge about the contents... However I feel that it makes him more human and tangible to the population he serves.

(Currently listening to Kanopus... and they rock!)