In the last two months, I have been contemplating heavily about the values I set as the primary in my life. The ones, which I am so much after. And some of them were not easily found. It all began on my way back to Vienna at the beginning of January... Suddenly I had the feeling of my family desintegrating... There was a strong tension in the air... Yes, maybe it was the Christmas time, which kept us going at each other throats but I do not think so. I think that such a stressful time actually does good. It lets people's tension surface and expose. And one of them is the lie we are living as a family. (Or is it only me being so detached? Hm, could be...) Nevertheless, my feeling was not about losing touch with my family but rather getting aware that the family I have is not the family I want to have. In means of relationships. I do not want to need to justify myself because I am running late with my thesis. I do not want to be silent about what is on my mind. I do not want to play the role of a happy and smiling and supporting grand-child. I want to be me. I want to be free. It does not help me and does not help the others to pretend living... We need to live. It is the only thing we have here... us. Why not to be true to ourselves then?
So the first value I came out to realize is freedom.
I have actually kept this one pretty away from me all the time. Being a sagittarius, all my horoscopes are filled with descriptions of how I love freedom and how I am somebody longing for freedom... So far, I thought, they were talking about somebody else. Right now, I think I was not paying enough attention to myself... I feel like I am not free at all and suddenly I am striving for freedom so much. It does not mean, I am tossing all of my others believes away, nor that I am losing my sense of moral... but I try to regard things more lightly. I try to give a touch of elemental sense (earthiness, fire, airy and floating feeling) to my perspective now. And it pays off...
But freedom may become too loose, so it needs to be connected to integrity to work for me. I need to remain in tune with myself. I just need to listen to my music more carefully and also display it. To have the guts to display it... :)
My second value which I am still elaborating on is: beauty.
...and I am not talking about something looking nice. It does include that, however it is about the design in life. About my behaviour with people around me. Do I create beauty by my doing? Not the beauty of a glimps of a moment but the beauty which endures. I need to work on that very much. And freedom will help me with this goal. Because only freedom lets you become truly creative. Beauty is also about how I do my work, how I regard the world, how I am trying to find even things ugly at the first sight appealing, about how I care for who I am and who other people are.
I know, these two are really big values... but I believe they really do represent my longing best. I am not sure about the consequences... but wouldn't life be dull if I would be? :)
