To be precise: since one week, I am in a crisis - I am unsure about the meaning of my life.
(by Christina Rosalie)
It began with the feeling of being able to accomplish anything I would set for. Suddenly, I knew that if I would like to pursue a career in management, I could make it to the top. I knew that if I would like to become a singer, I would succeed. That if I would begin to study for a new profession, I would do it. With this feeling - this awareness of my power to accomplish anything I would set for - everything became possible. And for a moment, I felt like a god. (Not in the divine sense, rather the practical one.) Nothing could stand in my way, everything was achievable... and there was the problem: the possibility of having it all.
If I can have something, I lose my motivation to get it. I just need to know I can... That is enough. (Maybe that is the best test to know whether I really want something or not.) But... that means too that most of the time I am lingering around without feeling really aroused about anything. Everything seems to be easy and nothing has the challenge I would love to see. Would you call it depression? I am not sure... I did not feel depressed, it felt empty but not because I would lack motivation. No, because I did not know where to search for it.
These feelings made life a dull experience... There was nothing what I *really* wanted, what I *really* longed for. For I did not know *why* I should want it. There was little reason to posses something... so it is not the possession of something I am after. It is not the fame. It is not the money nor the knowledge that I can buy something. I felt - and that was the point - I *felt* that what makes life real are feelings... not the superficial ones but rather the originals: joy about something beautiful, sadness about a loss, love towards those I care for, calmness about the tranquility of the silence, etc. Of all things, these originate in us, these are the basic stepping stones.
And thus... after three days of thinking... I have come to the conclusion, that what is desirable for me is what I feel like the moments wants me to do. That was two days ago. Since than, I did not write a word in my thesis. I rather followed my instincts: I have been reading (about managerial finance, which I wanted so long ago), and I have been re-reading some comics (which I love! check out the Bronze series, it is soooo cool!) and I have began to read japanese hiragana again (so I can get fluent in it) and I have did some cleaning in my room (so I feel at home again) and yesterday I even felt like going to work, so I did! I know it sounds crazy, I know. :) Janean said to me, it sounds like Dupree... maybe it does, I did not see the movie so far, so I cannot tell... but that is how I feel. And it makes me feel good.
I still did not figure out whether that is the meaning of my life... or what is... or what I want to do with it... but... it kind of makes me happy right now, so I am going to stick to it. For now... ;)
