Sitting in Cafe Berg. Earl Grey with milk, Esterhazy cake. Talking to Holger. A friend. Quite a special one. He makes me realize different things about me. For example how much s&*t I actually produce, carry within me and push onto others. Emotional stuff. It hits me always I am with him. He is the first person after years making me realize this. Thanks, Holger!I want to leave this vicious circle of me hating my body and hating myself for being too shy and not taking initiative in my life. Or at least not in the areas of life where I would like to. And about me thinking nice things about myself when deeply I know how much I long to be hurt, to be abandoned, just: to feel like s&*t... (I feel a weird pleasure in that)...and close the circle again.
Though, the whole thing is faulty...
It is the perspective of a victim:
"I am not responsible. It just happens to me. Again and again... They are guilty! No, not me."
I think my problem is the fear... however also the fear is a product of something, isn't it? Maybe deficit-thinking... Maybe my upbringing... Maybe the socialized "winner takes it all" attitude... Maybe my perfectionism... And maybe I just do not want to be hurt so I do not allow it in the first place... And maybe I just take the whole life too serious... :P
I should learn to let go... not to desire to control... just feel... and enjoy! ;)
2 comments:
hi Alex!
I very much enjoy your blog, especially the 3rd last one posting!
Somehow you're writting about me as well... I'm to anxious to take some initiative into my hands... don't be to serious, let it be, just wait for things happening...
Maybe we could have a chatt by a bottle of wine some day in a week. Call me or drop me a line. I would love to do that!
Kisses and hugs
Marta
ich empfehle dir das buch who moved my cheese. super geschichte und jeder findet sich in dieser wieder.
und alex, bei deinem potential brauchst du aber nicht eine sekunde angst haben. du bist groß- also musst du dich gar nicht erst groß machen ohne dabei ueberheblich zu wirken. du hast humor, das heisst du lebst lang. auch schon ein vorteil vielen anderen maennern gegenueber...und angst das dich jemand verletzt? narben sehen oft bei maennern sehr sexy aus ;-)
Post a Comment