Why should I bother?

I have been thinking yesterday... while arriving home after a social activity, which by attending I was able to sponsor a new bed sheet for a friend of a friend of mine (long story, do not ask *g*)... and was asking myself this question:

Why should I bother making something special out of my life?

And I tell you honestly, so far, I have no clue. I really do not know why I should bother making a difference in the world... creating a better place or such... I mean, I am living in balance with myself and the world... I am not bothering anyone, I am a pacifist, I do separate my garbage, I work my hours, I pay my taxes, I am tolerant towards others, I also state my point if I feel that it is important for me or others, I love my family and friends... I am quite happy with myself and thus do not feel like there is a need for going out and preaching my way to others. Also, where would I take the right to do so? To impose my private believes and values upon others?

This is a very strange thing for me to write like this... and a very strange thing to read what I have written. Just several months ago, I was still a strong proponent of the notion that we as humanity diminish by each one death there is in the world... And there are a lot of deaths in the world... many of them undeserved, unnatural. And that I should do something about those deaths... Change the perception of people, lead them to understanding (each other and the world around them).
Somehow that has changed. I still feel that we as humanity diminish by this acts of unneeded violence and cowardice and that there is a need for more understanding... but I feel like I have established stronger and more solid barriers - rules - to my behaviour for it not to be pushy and imperative. People should not be instructed in understanding... they need to want it. They have to arrive at the understanding by themselves. I may be able to catalyse this change but I am not willing to do this by taking drastic methods. It is the slow change, which is the strongest among changes... slow and steady.

After reading this thing again, I feel clearer about some of my values. And that's good.

However, I need to go back to the original question...
I had always seen myself as a hero... It was an archetype I have created around myself... and now, suddenly, I feel it to be wrong, as it did take over some of my life. It pushed me into decisions I sometimes did not wanted to make... to be on the front line, to be the mover of things. I want my ideas to be represented and incorporated however I need not to be the one who speaks for those ideas. I just love creating them. Creating concepts, new things, optimisations... I would even feel greater if these things would get implemented but that's not my role to play. Well, at least not entirely. :)
Maybe I also feel too much under stress with this archetype hanging over me... and I just want to get rid of it. It does mean also that I do ditch some of my personal expectations too... and that is actually an opportunity. :) To feel the void. And explore it... and let it be filled again, after I decide to do so.

Uuuuh... exciting! :D

Listening to: I have discovered a great jazz station: Jazz24 - they have an online stream and I so much enjoy it these days! Brilliant music!

The McDean story - A must-see!

I am not a big fan of daily soaps... I mean, until there is not a good story to be watched with some cute guys in it. It was a marvel and a pleasure to find out that there actually is one! Or was this year... It is called Hollyoaks and it is a British soap series.

The whole substory is circling around two guys - John Paul (JP) and Craig, who are best mates, till JP figures out that he is actually gay and in love... with Craig. Wow! That is however only the start of a high-end state-of-the-art drama-deluxe teen gay romance with enormous potential to suck you in and hold you at the tv screen for a long time. (As the World Turns has crappy performances and bad camera work, this one is way better!)

For those, who would like to give it a chance, the whole story - by fans dubbed as The McDean story (because of the names of the characters: JP McQueen and Craig Dean) can be watched on the youtube playlist JP & Craig from the start by crumpetsandjam. I will warn you though... it is about 96 videos! Well, ok... if you are interested in the main story, begin somewhere around January 2007 and work yourself up till October. :) And do not forget the handkerchiefs!

(At the end you will figure out why I am listening to Dusty Spriengfield so fiercely!) *g*

Listening to Findlay Brown - But you love me (the Other best song from Hollyoaks)

The Break(ing)

I know, I know... what a long time no see... I know. And somehow I feel, it was needed and useful. To me. The last two months have been quite uneventful on the outside and still very strong on the inside of me: work was tough but good, I have neglected my physical state even more than usual (who needs a shower or a shave! they are totally overrated! *ggg*), I was longing the whole time for something more, something higher and finer and greater and... but it was always just that - the Longing. No steps forwards, though no steps back neither. I felt stuck. I could not move. It was a feeling of being trapped by myself. By my indecisiveness and laziness. Precisely knowing where these bars, which were holding me back, came from... though at the same time not being able to do something against them. Not wanting to... The Longing was sooo much easier and comfortable. The wangling in daydreams, in daily routines, in goals set by others... It is so much easier to follow paths chosen by others.

The freedom has become one of my prime values and objectives in the last two years... I have never thought that freedom would be so important to me... and now, I suddenly go against it? Was it the feeling of a silent understanding that there is no absolute freedom which made me grow so weak during these last two months? Or was I just being fed up with the energy I have to create for me to feel free? Or was it maybe the opposite of freedom which I was unconsciously looking for? The bonding... I do not know.

I remember the catalyst of the change from the Break(ing) precisely. It will sound cheap but it is true: it was a Hollywood movie. It is called Freedom Writers and it is a story not dissimilar from the movie Dangerous Minds. A young fresh starter English teacher arrives at a school torn by gang violence based on racial conflicts. As a welcome gift, she receives a class of damaged kids and sure-to-be drop-outs. Only slowly she learns of the differences which separate these kids... and the similarities which connect them. She changes her curriculum after a moment of shock when one of the black students is mocked because of his big lips, which she compares with the beginnings of a holocaust, when people were treated differently only because they looked differently. The moments after depict the process of the class bonding together and trying to accomplish the unspeakable - the graduation. What was even stronger than the film itself is that it is based on a true story of Erin Gruwell, who was the teacher in question. The Freedom Writers have established a foundation which aims it is to help kids all over the US to reach over their racial borders and violence and achieve their dreams. I wanted to know more, so I have also bought the diary of the Freedom Writers, which was the integral part of their experience. It certainly is a must read for everybody! It is a great story of overcoming unspeakable obstacles for a greater good and personal future... in many ways it is also very emotional and staggering to read about these kids who have all these problems of dysfunctional families, street violence and multiple responsibilities and financial problems, who - despite this all - are making their best to reach their goals... and finally to compare those situations with mine, which is none of it. That did shift a gear in me.

Nevertheless... that was not the end of the story... October came with another surprise (another climax in the Break(ing): I came out to my dad!
Hah! Yes, I am 28 years old and I had finally had the guts to come out to my dad. (My mum and brother already knew.) I tell you, it wasn't planned... but it turned out great... well, not really. What I mean is that the overall outcome is great - I am out of the closet. The other consequences rather suck... and I will not put them online, as they are rather nasty... just ask me if you would like to know more... I am open to share.
I also think that he certainly will calm down with some time passing. :)

Hm... when speaking of Break(ing)... I do not think the Breaking actually came to a real climax of a Break. I kind of reverted it and gone back to what was before... which I do not like. I just have not seen the potential which was there and I am not sure about this other iteration which I am in right now. But there is not pushing in this state, I am going to see how it turns out. :)

Listening to Dusty Springfield - I close my eyes and count to ten right now.

Tim Fish rocks!

Many of you know that I am geek when it comes to animation or comics. I have not grown up on western comics though as those were unavailable during the communist regime in Czechoslovakia when I was a kid. But I was a big reader of all the ABC comics they published and those were great!

So, I could not resist yesterday while stopping at the Loewenherz bookshop to have a look through the comics section... and I have found a gem - Tim Fish's Cavalcade of Boys! I have actually only bought it because of the cute guys on the cover and the art... but it surprisingly is full of great characters, rich stories and overreaching arcs which connect these together. Bravo, Tim!

While reading the book, I actually had two or three flashes of truth... I have seen myself in one or two of these characters... and eventually wished, I would be in their shoes sometimes. ;)

For those of you, who would like to get to know more about Tim or his work, just have a look at his webpage: www.timfishworks.com.

Currently listening to the soundtrack of Kinky Boots.

Disillusion

I have just returned from the first this year's screenings of the LGBT film festival in Vienna, identities. This year, my focus is on de-constructing pornography (with movies like v.o., That Man: Peter Berlin Story, or Gay sex in the 70s) and current male gay cinema (Heights with James Marsden and El Cielo Dividido directed by Hernandez). Btw, the festival is not really overrun, so you should be able still to get the tickets you if you should decide to go and see some of the program.

Just before the second film started, I met Philip and Markus in from of the Top Kino and we chatted a bit, Philip telling about his current amazement with kids and how he wishes for a child some day and how crazy he is about kids these days... My answer was that just two days ago I felt disillusioned about this topic, feeling that I am slowly letting go of this dream of mine because a solid guy who wants to build a family is hard to find these days... and I kind of do not feel yet strong enough to do this just by myself.
Returning to these thoughts makes me feel extremely sad and somehow broken as I have always wanted to have kids. I even remember one of the discussions about having kids with my first love, Pedro, while I have been in Oporto. I remember it so clearly and precisely, as if it would have been yesterday... We were in a shopping center, sitting at the food court, I have just finished my meal and Pedro was playing with his, when we kind of slipped into the topic about children. I have asked him how many kids he would like to have and he slapped me with his answer: six. OMG, six! I was taken aback and surprised... in the first seconds, I did not know whether he tells the truth or whether he jokes around, as he was always very keen of joking around... The next thing he tells me than is that we would need to buy a family van, which I say, I would be driving the kids to the schools with. He suddenly tells me that he would not allow me to drive the van because I am a lousy driver and he would not feel comfortable about putting their lives into my hands... and that he would buy me a sporty car to drive around alone...
You can certainly imagine, how pissed I was hearing this! *g*

Well, nevertheless... Pedro is past and so are other guys, who I would imagine as great dads (e.g. Lumpi)...
Hm...
Makes me feel disillusioned.

Listening: to the silence of my room and the running of the fan of my computer. :)

Picture: Desillusion, 2005 by Lou/Gaço.

I love youtube!

I do. I love youtube. It has the music I like to listen to, it provides the internet with a feeling of uniqueness and individuality. People are represented. I know, most of it is show-off and entertainment but I love the small pieces of gems scattered within the mess... Like videos from geriatric1927, a 79-year old man who is mostly telling stories from his life. He very much resembles my grandmother (mother side) in this matter. She is also telling me stories of her childhood and youth. Very much about what she has gone through and how it did affect her. Of course, she sometimes tells the same stories a couple of times but it is always an honor to be able to listen to her. I am already thinking about buying her a small recording device to record these things just to preserve those for the future...

Another thing, I do use youtube for is playing music. Just several weeks ago, I was totally obsessed with Jacques Brell's song Ne me quitte pas and right now, I am almost crying while looking at the video of Eric Prydz remix of Call on me. It is a jem! :) Btw, there is also a extremely funny anti-AIDS campaign commercial aimed at the male gay community. I could not stop laughing the first time, I have seen this. You may also find the hetero pendant to it but it just isn't as well done as this one...

Btw, I have just received word today that some of my loyal readership is not interested into my computer geekiness... well, boys, I am sorry... but that was only the beginning... I still want to write down the precise set up instructions for my linux as it is sometimes quite hard to find those somewhere else... in the end, I am doing this not for me but for people who are looking for these instructions on the web... :) Other than that, I am looking forward to get to understand linux more and more... I have also started with some evangelism and translated two main pages of opensuse wiki into Slovak. Six other pages to go until the language receives a full support status! :)

Currently listening to: Eric Prydz - Call On Me.

Opensuse - again!

After a thorough analysis of my home laptop system, I have come to the conclusion that I do not really need to brag with a state-of-the-art system, as I am very happy with what I have and I would not be using the features of a top-notch architecture anyhow (I am not producing any kind of videos nor playing heavy-graphics games)... So, as the only thing, which was getting me crazy, was the relatively small hard drive (40 GB), I have bought a nice new 100 GB Hitachi drive on ebay in April and finally come to install it in mid May.

I have to say one thing: I love Windows... when the system is empty. Or almost empty. It is fast, it works well out of the box, like a charm! However, I am already dreading the situation when I start putting programs on it... *fear*

When it comes to Linux... so far, I was an opensuse user since version 10.0 and have been using opensuse 10.1 lately. I was quite happy with it, however a new hard drive demands a new system and so I figured out, this could be a great possibility for setting up the 10.2 version.

After a weird first setup - with crazy ndiswrapper settings, no 3D acceleration and something else, which annoyed me and I do not really recall, I made up my mind and tried to install:

ccux - which ended even before the installation at the misguided partitioning scheme, bye, bye ccux!

kubuntu - which I could not set up the internet on, bye, bye, kubuntu!

fedora - which looks marvellous!!! bravo, red hat, this distro is a jem! but I could not find a way to install something on it as the updater was always trying to connect to internet which I do have only via wireless... so bye, bye, fedora!

frugalware - which gave me a headache to find the continue button after partitioning! people, please, call it differently!!! or rename the OK button to Partionate or something similar! this is an example of usability at it's worst!

And finally...

Opensuse - again!
And it works! I love it! It even recognized my wireless card, I still had to set it up using ndiswrapper though but still, it recognized it. I have than made a tragic mistake of trying to install ATI's graphic drivers (8.28.8) which were set up for X.org 7.1 only... leaving me with a crashed SAX. Great...

Installing again... But slowly, I am getting the hang out of it. :)


On some other tune:

The new Babylon 5 homepage is on, including the trailer for the upcoming directly-to-DVD movie(s) Babylon 5: The Lost Tales. Check it out!

My first eBay

Today, I have posted my first item ever on eBay... and I really hope somebody nice will like it and buy it, as this is one of the best things, I have bought so far - a MiniDisc player and recorder from JVC. You may look up the item here.

Other than that... Nicolas and Laurent, two friends of mine from Paris are now in Vienna, so I plan to spend time with them during this weekend. Walking through the city and bitching about Sarkozy. :)

Also, the Eurovision Song Contest, which I have not payed attention to so far is being broadcasted today, so tune in and vote! I will probably join a group of people in this turkish bar today in the evening to get crazy about the songs and maybe sing along if there is something worth singing to.

Oh, and I am back on the track with my energies... I have redecorated my room totally... have feng-shui-ed it and feel very well with the vibes in it right now. It turned out to be quite easy actually... and the Force is strong in me since then.

Listening to:
Listening to: Mia and her Tanz der Molekuele (A Lil' House Dj Milch Mix), thanks to Paul for infecting me with this song! ;)

The journeys: Dominican Republic and Amsterdam

In the last two weeks, I have been globetrottering the world a bit. (And taking some time off from work, which I desperately needed due to the quite heavy load in the last months.)

My first journey went to the Dominican Republic, where a friend of mine, Nikki, was getting married. The second one was to Amsterdam, where Jenny, a very good friend of mine, was celebrating her 30th birthday yesterday!

But... let's do one after the other:

Dominican republic is a paradise, when it comes to beaches, ocean colour, meals and weather. It combines great hospitality and wonderful climate with the best (and I really mean BEST) sandy beaches I have ever seen in my life... (and those, who follow my blog, know, that I have seen the beaches of Greece, Gran Canaria and Sardinia in the last couple of years). Sorry, those cannot even compare! But Dominican Republic is also a country of great divide between the rich and the poor, the tourists from the former colonisation countries and the original citizens. The infrastructure of the city (even the capital, Santo Domingo) is surviving at best. The slums are there, and they look worse than you would ever imagine. The country however is full of life and full of motion. Almost kind of a chaos, which follows certain main rules, however anything else, which does not defy them, is allowed. Due to this kind of mentality, the country possesses an enormous potential in future development. The journey was really cool also due to my fellow journey(wo)men - Paulina and Roland! Thanks a lot for dragging me onto the boat in the first place and then sticking with me during the whole trip! :)

The beach of Punta Cana resort:

Me at the beach of La Isla Saona:

(Btw, in those seven days, I have managed to read ca. 1200 pages of Dan Simmons Hyperion and Dan Browns The da Vinci Code. The first one being quite good, very well written, almost a show-off of the writer's skills. The second one is a weak and repetitive, slowly dragging story of no special inventions. I cannot understand where the hype came from!)

Tip for future travellers to Dominican Republic: If you come and see the country, do not stay in your resort / club only! Take a car, a bus or a caro publico and get your ass around the country a bit! The busses are cheap and get you almost anywhere. Just check for connections as the busses come and go at different times. This will enable you to see a bit more and maybe gets you interrested in fighting poverty in the world!

Amsterdam is a gem of a city... Thanks a lot, Jenny, for inviting me! The whole weekend was a blast! I have not felt that good in a long time now! The city is very intimate, incredibely romantic, very touchy-feely. I love it! But the weekend would not be such an amazing time without the poeple there: Wai Kin, Paul, Natalie, Elise, Jacqui and of course, Jenny, the b-day child! :) Thanks a lor for the great time, guys! It was a pleasure to meet you all and spend these almost four days with you together! And I am strating to miss you already. This may be kind of weird but I almost felt like a part of a family... and that made me feel wanted and belonging somewhere as opposite to my attachless wandering through the time and space right now. You are in my hearth.

The b-day cake for Jenny:

Wai-Kin, me, Elise, Jacqui, Jenny, Natalie, Paul:

Btw, Jenny has more photos from the weekend in her Picasa album.
Kisses!

Listening to: Mika and his amazing album called Life in Cartoon Motion

Paracetamol junkie

Yes, I am. In the last three months, I have been taking Paracetamol each second week (in average), which kind of makes me wonder how long it is going to take me to reach the state when I am going to need it constantly...



For those, who do not know: Paracetamol (or also known as acetaminophen) is the is a common analgesic and antipyretic drug that is used for the relief of fever, headaches and other minor aches and pains (citation: Wikipedia). It can be freely bought in any pharmacy.

In the last three months, each two weeks, I have been having one week of a light cold... and as it did not seems to be that serious, I have not been taking vacations to cure it... Now, the time came when I am pissed with me just keep working and putting work over myself as though it, I just keep damaging myself. My body feels weak and I feel like there is something lingering over my lungs... I need time to recover and thus today is my first day off-work. Actually, I am also going to see a doctor and get a proper examination (I just hope, he does not give me another paracetamol-clone drug - there are myriads of those around!).

Update:
I am off drugs now and happy to be healthy. :)
My doctor got me an antibiotic, which I was not really fond of... but it helped and I feel like a new born now! *yeeeha!*

Values and consequences

In the last two months, I have been contemplating heavily about the values I set as the primary in my life. The ones, which I am so much after. And some of them were not easily found. It all began on my way back to Vienna at the beginning of January... Suddenly I had the feeling of my family desintegrating... There was a strong tension in the air... Yes, maybe it was the Christmas time, which kept us going at each other throats but I do not think so. I think that such a stressful time actually does good. It lets people's tension surface and expose. And one of them is the lie we are living as a family. (Or is it only me being so detached? Hm, could be...) Nevertheless, my feeling was not about losing touch with my family but rather getting aware that the family I have is not the family I want to have. In means of relationships. I do not want to need to justify myself because I am running late with my thesis. I do not want to be silent about what is on my mind. I do not want to play the role of a happy and smiling and supporting grand-child. I want to be me. I want to be free. It does not help me and does not help the others to pretend living... We need to live. It is the only thing we have here... us. Why not to be true to ourselves then?

So the first value I came out to realize is freedom.
I have actually kept this one pretty away from me all the time. Being a sagittarius, all my horoscopes are filled with descriptions of how I love freedom and how I am somebody longing for freedom... So far, I thought, they were talking about somebody else. Right now, I think I was not paying enough attention to myself... I feel like I am not free at all and suddenly I am striving for freedom so much. It does not mean, I am tossing all of my others believes away, nor that I am losing my sense of moral... but I try to regard things more lightly. I try to give a touch of elemental sense (earthiness, fire, airy and floating feeling) to my perspective now. And it pays off...
But freedom may become too loose, so it needs to be connected to integrity to work for me. I need to remain in tune with myself. I just need to listen to my music more carefully and also display it. To have the guts to display it... :)

My second value which I am still elaborating on is: beauty.
...and I am not talking about something looking nice. It does include that, however it is about the design in life. About my behaviour with people around me. Do I create beauty by my doing? Not the beauty of a glimps of a moment but the beauty which endures. I need to work on that very much. And freedom will help me with this goal. Because only freedom lets you become truly creative. Beauty is also about how I do my work, how I regard the world, how I am trying to find even things ugly at the first sight appealing, about how I care for who I am and who other people are.

I know, these two are really big values... but I believe they really do represent my longing best. I am not sure about the consequences... but wouldn't life be dull if I would be? :)

Happenings

The world is getting crazy this year. At least to me, it looks like it is. Do not understand me wrong, I like it... I am totally in favor of the world getting crazy. Nothing else, I would desire more... At least then, we would have some normality here!
Not only my work keeps me bussier than I could have ever imagined, I even like it! I really do. The job's great. The coworkers are a blessing. My boss and myself are getting well along. My customer is totally fond of me... Anything else I need in this direction? Nope. Thank you.
Physically, I am kind of half-way fine. I had a hard week at the beginning of January but I have won over the cold and now I am feeling better. There are some echos of it still present, so most of the time, I just wish of living in a country of never-ending summer. And I swear, one day, I will move there.
Spiritually, I had a great weekend in the middle of January, when I met a my second soul mate. (Second, because I have met one before....) Reiner, thanks for the greatest talks and unbelievable intimacy we shared on the spiritual level. It is something unforgettable, being challenged so much in such a deep and touching way. I bow in awe of your empathy and intelect... it was refreshing and scary at the same time. I loved every second we spent together.
Socially, I am doing great, but emotionally... Well, let's just say, I am neglecting a lot of my inner boundaries and crossing them consciously. And so far, I did feel well... but this weekend, I feel like the longing for more is back. Being wanted... and needed... and loved. Oh my... this is me at my best... rambling about my loneliness. Great... *s*
I need to go to sleep... it is too late already...
(...and I need a vacation. Pleaase!!!)

Btw, I like the new Blogger much better. :)