The Break(ing)

I know, I know... what a long time no see... I know. And somehow I feel, it was needed and useful. To me. The last two months have been quite uneventful on the outside and still very strong on the inside of me: work was tough but good, I have neglected my physical state even more than usual (who needs a shower or a shave! they are totally overrated! *ggg*), I was longing the whole time for something more, something higher and finer and greater and... but it was always just that - the Longing. No steps forwards, though no steps back neither. I felt stuck. I could not move. It was a feeling of being trapped by myself. By my indecisiveness and laziness. Precisely knowing where these bars, which were holding me back, came from... though at the same time not being able to do something against them. Not wanting to... The Longing was sooo much easier and comfortable. The wangling in daydreams, in daily routines, in goals set by others... It is so much easier to follow paths chosen by others.

The freedom has become one of my prime values and objectives in the last two years... I have never thought that freedom would be so important to me... and now, I suddenly go against it? Was it the feeling of a silent understanding that there is no absolute freedom which made me grow so weak during these last two months? Or was I just being fed up with the energy I have to create for me to feel free? Or was it maybe the opposite of freedom which I was unconsciously looking for? The bonding... I do not know.

I remember the catalyst of the change from the Break(ing) precisely. It will sound cheap but it is true: it was a Hollywood movie. It is called Freedom Writers and it is a story not dissimilar from the movie Dangerous Minds. A young fresh starter English teacher arrives at a school torn by gang violence based on racial conflicts. As a welcome gift, she receives a class of damaged kids and sure-to-be drop-outs. Only slowly she learns of the differences which separate these kids... and the similarities which connect them. She changes her curriculum after a moment of shock when one of the black students is mocked because of his big lips, which she compares with the beginnings of a holocaust, when people were treated differently only because they looked differently. The moments after depict the process of the class bonding together and trying to accomplish the unspeakable - the graduation. What was even stronger than the film itself is that it is based on a true story of Erin Gruwell, who was the teacher in question. The Freedom Writers have established a foundation which aims it is to help kids all over the US to reach over their racial borders and violence and achieve their dreams. I wanted to know more, so I have also bought the diary of the Freedom Writers, which was the integral part of their experience. It certainly is a must read for everybody! It is a great story of overcoming unspeakable obstacles for a greater good and personal future... in many ways it is also very emotional and staggering to read about these kids who have all these problems of dysfunctional families, street violence and multiple responsibilities and financial problems, who - despite this all - are making their best to reach their goals... and finally to compare those situations with mine, which is none of it. That did shift a gear in me.

Nevertheless... that was not the end of the story... October came with another surprise (another climax in the Break(ing): I came out to my dad!
Hah! Yes, I am 28 years old and I had finally had the guts to come out to my dad. (My mum and brother already knew.) I tell you, it wasn't planned... but it turned out great... well, not really. What I mean is that the overall outcome is great - I am out of the closet. The other consequences rather suck... and I will not put them online, as they are rather nasty... just ask me if you would like to know more... I am open to share.
I also think that he certainly will calm down with some time passing. :)

Hm... when speaking of Break(ing)... I do not think the Breaking actually came to a real climax of a Break. I kind of reverted it and gone back to what was before... which I do not like. I just have not seen the potential which was there and I am not sure about this other iteration which I am in right now. But there is not pushing in this state, I am going to see how it turns out. :)

Listening to Dusty Springfield - I close my eyes and count to ten right now.