Disillusion

I have just returned from the first this year's screenings of the LGBT film festival in Vienna, identities. This year, my focus is on de-constructing pornography (with movies like v.o., That Man: Peter Berlin Story, or Gay sex in the 70s) and current male gay cinema (Heights with James Marsden and El Cielo Dividido directed by Hernandez). Btw, the festival is not really overrun, so you should be able still to get the tickets you if you should decide to go and see some of the program.

Just before the second film started, I met Philip and Markus in from of the Top Kino and we chatted a bit, Philip telling about his current amazement with kids and how he wishes for a child some day and how crazy he is about kids these days... My answer was that just two days ago I felt disillusioned about this topic, feeling that I am slowly letting go of this dream of mine because a solid guy who wants to build a family is hard to find these days... and I kind of do not feel yet strong enough to do this just by myself.
Returning to these thoughts makes me feel extremely sad and somehow broken as I have always wanted to have kids. I even remember one of the discussions about having kids with my first love, Pedro, while I have been in Oporto. I remember it so clearly and precisely, as if it would have been yesterday... We were in a shopping center, sitting at the food court, I have just finished my meal and Pedro was playing with his, when we kind of slipped into the topic about children. I have asked him how many kids he would like to have and he slapped me with his answer: six. OMG, six! I was taken aback and surprised... in the first seconds, I did not know whether he tells the truth or whether he jokes around, as he was always very keen of joking around... The next thing he tells me than is that we would need to buy a family van, which I say, I would be driving the kids to the schools with. He suddenly tells me that he would not allow me to drive the van because I am a lousy driver and he would not feel comfortable about putting their lives into my hands... and that he would buy me a sporty car to drive around alone...
You can certainly imagine, how pissed I was hearing this! *g*

Well, nevertheless... Pedro is past and so are other guys, who I would imagine as great dads (e.g. Lumpi)...
Hm...
Makes me feel disillusioned.

Listening: to the silence of my room and the running of the fan of my computer. :)

Picture: Desillusion, 2005 by Lou/Gaço.