little haiku for mjk

you sounded me
as strong as the Pummerin
with an unexpected kiss

Cheer up, cheer down

To be honest, I am currently in quite a divided mood... On the bright side, my last (REALLY LAST) exam at the WU Wien is over and I have passed. That means there are two things which have to be done before I can call myself a magister: I have to finish my thesis and the course of Intercultural training, which I have done as a preparation for my exchange year abroad has to be transfered to my new study programme. I expect both to be done within the next two months.

For all of you that means that I will be having my graduation party in probably late September and my official graduation on either October 5th or 6th. So please, be so nice and save this date for me.

On the downside... Mr. T's heart has decided to abandon his affection for me which leaves me single again. Well, who would have guessed that? *g*

Still, I fell fine and have so much to do these days, I cannot even start thinking about feeling down or something... My computer needs to be set up anew. I want to give the new Suse 10.1 version a try. Also other distros have caught my attention: Underground Linux, Arch Linux, Frugalware - to mention at least some of them. :)

Btw... on 9th June, i:q - identity:queer is having another party at the Architektur Bar of the TU in Vienna, you are more than welcome to come and join us! I will be most probably doing a drag performance again this time, so be there and watch me whirl my skirts! *ggg*

Cher quotes, Marathon and Love

Ok, this is maybe a shock for some of you... (certainly for the gay community) but I have only today discovered what a great chic Cher is! Freizeit of Kurier, an Austrian daily, had a feature about the 1964 singer and actress, which kind of summed up her career and lifestyle, incl. some of her greatest quotes...

My Top 5:

5. "I think that the longer I look good, the better gay men feel."

4. "I don't like Bush. I don't trust him. I don't like his record. He's stupid. He's lazy."

3. "A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones."

2. "Men should be like Kleenex: soft, strong and disposable."

and *fanfare*

1. "If you really want something you can figure out how to make it happen."

According to those, I see her as a strong and independent woman who knows what she wants and is steady with her opinions. I like that... It feels like what I would like to be myself, even that I know, I am not really able to lose some of my rigidness and conservative views that soon, still, I am getting more and more stronger lately. :)


Second news: some of you know, some of you do not... I was taking part in the Vienna City Marathon as part of a 4-person-relay. I had the first part which was 16 km and I really felt great! The day began very good, the weather was perfect. Little sun, not as much wind blowing, good temperature for a long run. Even that the beginning kind of got me unprepared as I did not expect all the other people running that fast... I was quite buffled by that. I really gets your mood down if all the people are overtaking you within the first two kilometers. However, I did not let myself get lose and continued within my rhythm and made the 16 km in 1:42 h. which actually is less than I expected (1:45 till 2:00 h.), so I am really happy about that! I certainly plan to go on with running. It felt good and made me appreciate my body a lot.


And now the love stuff... Hm. Dunno what to say, Mr. T is letting me hanging in the limbo right now. I am not sure how the relationship will develop... maybe it is the distance, maybe it is me / us, maybe something else. Dunno. I do like him, that is what I know. I kind of feel however that I am slowly telling myself to let loose... to lessen the emotional bond a bit... which probably is a trick to let myself not get hurt that much when I get walked out on. Well, we will see.

(Love 4: picture by Diego Manuel)

Desperate... but still content?

It is a weird feeling... I partly feel desperate and would love to ass-kick myself million times, however partly I feel content and calm. I cannot really come up with an explanation for this comic co-habitat of those two very contrast feelings, maybe the co-existence of those two is possible due to the fact that I precisely know where they originate.

The desperation comes from my weak preparation for the exam I should be taking tomorrow. I mean, I am not clueless, however do not feel competent enough to take it. Sure I will go, at least I get a glimpse of how it is constructed and get a feeling for it next time, however I feel a cognitive dissonance (yup, that is one of the fancy words I am learning for my exam currently) growing in me and feel my selfesteem getting lower than ever... Maybe I need to watch a episode of Daria in Esteemers. *g* Ok, no. I need the time for my studying.

My other part is content and calm thanks to several issues: I have just eaten and it was wonderful (never underestimate your stomach!), I know I can complete the exam the next time, I have got to know somebody special and I fell in love a bit. (Yes, I am also shocked!)

Let's take the things one after the other... Today, I have attended a brunch with my friends from AIESEC. It was good, very friendly, and I did some socializing with the next generation of LC Vienna's EB-potentials... The brunch was at Weltcafe and here are some impressions from it:




Now, as I really cook like a miracle since the last two days, I have decided to go on and do something new today... Let me present, ladies and gentlemen: Strapačky! A very traditional Slovak meal, which actually is potatoe-based dumplings with sourkraut and bacon (here substituted with sausage-pieces).



Yes, yes... I know, some of you would love to know something more about me falling in love currently... yeah, something like that is indeed happening... and as you know, it always comes mostly unexpected. T is a great guy from Germany, who has been to Vienna last week and well... we met, we looked into each others eyes... and... hell yeah, it happened. *g*
That's it for now, more details next time. :)

Currently listening to Antonio Carlos Jobim's Agua de Beber from his great compilation of bossanova songs which I would certainly love to dance to with somebody... ;)

Three toques... at least!

I have made my way up to the stellar heights of the award-winning cooks by creating great stuff yesterday for supper and today for lunch. Geb (my flat-share mate) tells me, I should receive at least two and a half toques for my cooking skills! :) And I am just being happy that my friends enjoy what I cook for them.

Especially today, I made a real effort to produce the best boršč ever! My mum told me to substitute some of the ingeriences, so I have not been using real veal bones to cook but a buillon and also did not use vinegar but sourkraut, which made the whole thing even more juicy!


For those, who are not fluent in Eastern European (this time, Russian) kitchen, Boršč is a meat-and-vegetables soup, very thick and rather sweet-sour, reddish through the usage of beetroot. And... extremely tasty!

Here are some impressions before and after the cooking:



Currently listening to Madonna's I love New York on her latest album Confessions on a dance floor

Alex in Brokeback Mountain style

As some of you were curious enough to ask about the BBM-style of mine, I was silly enough to take the chance and do some photos of me with my precious belongings on... So, here I come!

The BBM-style consists of a

• cowboy hat, no name brand, indigo jeans material, size 58
  
• John Doyle shirt, Scotch & Soda brand, red-and-white flannel, worn-out style, size L
  
• jeans, 4U brand, style Ranger, model 6590, call 9677, size 33/34
  
• belt, HIS brand, brown wood texture, size 95

Any questions?

P.S. Do not regard the basket full of rubish next to me, nor my personal altar behind me. :)

Currently listening to Depeche Mode's I want it all from their album Playing the Angel

Brokeback Mountain

After seeing it already twice - second time at the gala evening in Filmcasino's re-opening on Thursday - I tend to regard Brokeback Mountain more and more critically. It still remains a pearl between the other trash in the movies right now, however there are certain facts which begin to annoy me. First is the choice of both main actors (Gyllenhall and Ledger) being that beautiful. Sure, it is easier and more pleasant to look at beautiful people, however this does not match with the book, which describes the guys as rough and kind of quirky. The other critical point is the fact that Ang Lee just did not have enough balls to make this a full blown movie about sexuality. He stays at the love side of the story to be safe and not risk the exposure of male-to-male sexuality. By that he neglects a main part of the story. The book as I see it is about desire: emotional, spiritual or physical. By negating one part of these, the other two just do not make sense anymore. The main characters remain in kind of a platonic stasis without a chance to get out of it. Such a pity.
Still, the movie is brilliant in many ways and should be seen!

To pay a tribute to the movie, I have actually bought several things to remind me of it: a flanel shirt, new jeans, and - of course - a cowboy hat! I was really fortunate to find all these things (some during my trip to Budapest, other during my skiing trip to Kaprun last week) and love all of them indeed. :)

Listening to Beautiful Boyz from Coco Rosie feat. Antony.

Social unavailability

I have decided to go socially unavailable...
My big exam is coming up at the end of March and I have to get going if I want to make it. It is almost 1200 pages, which makes me read about 300 pages per week... So far, I am doing good. Hopefully I get lucky!
That means sorry to all of my friends, who are not receiving any e-mails from me due to my busy-ness. I am certainly not forgetting you...

I am currently listening to the soundtrack of Crying Freeman, which is one of my favourite films. The music is so different and at the same time so powerfull - precisely as I like it to be. I certainly encourage you to give it a try. The composer is Patrick O'Hearn.

Weekend in Budapest

After a great party on Thrusday after the pre-premiere of the new laser show Queen in the Planetarium Wien and even better one during the Alumni Convention of AIESEC Slovakia in Bratislava, I have got on a train towards Budapest, which is the city where my very good friend Laszlo lives. He was celebrating his birth-day on Saturday and he was so kind to invite me to come along and stay at the place of his and his boyfriend's.

I have been to Budapest in the past, one stay especially stays in my mind... during the IGLYO conference in June 2003 (as far as I can remember the time precisely). And I fell in love with this city momentarily... The Danube, the Buda Castle, the little streets with old buildings, windows with mediterranean-looking shades, warm nights in the summer, beutiful night-sky sown with stars. You can imagine it, I suppose. :)

The party has been a blast and made me feel very good again after weeks of dubious mood... (that was maybe the reason I was absent from this blog of mine for such a long time). We have also been to the first gay party at the Moulin Rouge in Budapest called Kinky. I do not think the name was chosen wisely but... whatever, I do not care. The party was actually quite good. Very nice location, which actually is a cabaret theatre and great music! It really was a nice evening.

The next day, Laszlo and myself have been to the Cafe Central, which opens also on Sunday and had a great great lunch with Jokai bean soup (this is a must in Budapest!) and a grilled cheese on a salad main dish with a delicious (!) cheese dumplings with almonds afterwards... Wow! (Another great spot to eat is also Menza, which is a fancy but not expensive restaurant / cafe in a 60's style. Check it out!)

Btw, one of the billboards in Budapest was showing the hungarian prime minister Ferenc Gyurcsány 's ad for his personal blog... I thought it is a kind of nice thing from the prime minister to get personal on some issues by using a blog. :) As I am neither fluent nor basic in Hungarian, I cannot judge about the contents... However I feel that it makes him more human and tangible to the population he serves.

(Currently listening to Kanopus... and they rock!)

Dynamics of groups (and me)

I am back. From a seminar. A group dynamics one. And it was good. I feel that I have been myself during the whole stay (it was a one-week-seminar at the University of Klagenfurt) and it made a difference... especially to the group, which consisted of really remarkable individuals. Oh my, this is getting me sentimental.

For those, who never were at a group dynamics seminar / workshop, it is a one-week experience aimed at the processes within groups. The participants are individuals with different backgrounds, nobody knows anybody else and you start. Sitting in a circle. Being silent. Everything else just happens: the first person to speak, the people to open up, to build relationships, to clarify those and provide the constituing group with a common understanding about itself. Making the group actionable.

And it also lets you learn something about yourself as it did for me. Even that it did not paint any new strokes, it did reinforce the picture I had of myself even stronger: I am hedonistic (searching for what gives me pleasure - which defines my motivation towards certain activities while others are unattractive to me (e.g. writing my thesis currently)), I am mostly reactive (I am waiting for something to happen to make my move) and I am the socialy glueing person in groups having the role of a translator or mediator as long as the group does not acquire this competence.

The question which opens up for me is how to tackle this situation. Especially the reactive attitude bothers me quite a lot. I would like to see myself as an active person (if not proactive) in some aspects. I have to think about a way to learn this by trying out new ways of behaving. I know this is not something I can change with snipping my fingers... rather seeing the long-road in front of me.

Maybe a good goal for 2006. :)

Renewal

I feel so renewed! Something in me has been created during the night of Friday, when I was at the i:q fest... and I think the drag show has to do something with it. :)

Yeah, there are no typos: I did do a drag performance! *yeah* And even that I was totally nervous and my legs were shaking the whole time when on stage lipsyncing to Charlene's "I've never been to me" (which many of you certainly know from Priscilla, The Queen of the Desert), I was so happy to do it. This year certainly has become the year I try out things I have never done but always wanted! I mean, I am not such a fan of being in drag, it is rather the performance and the feedback from the crowd which I am interested in. And I can tell you, it is a great pleasure to see people enjoying it and receiving compliments afterwards. (Thanks!)

...but coming back to the new feeling: I feel stronger and more determined. As if the performance would have shown me the power I have. (Feeling like She-Ra soon: "By the honor of Greyskull!") *g* I feel more beautiful, more selfesteemed, more of being out there, living my life than actually sitting in my room and soulfucking myself using a diary.

Oh, btw, for those, who would be interested how things are going with my unexpected encounter: he has a great long-lasting relationship and is living a city far away... so we settled for a friendship and I am happy with it. It is great to find such a great friend! Thanks, L.

An unexpected encounter

It made me laugh internally... Just several hours before I have been sitting with Stefan and Severin in the Top Kino cafe and been talking about love and how it is hard to find: the love, which comes unexpectingly, suddenly, surprisingly... You are at a party, do not know anybody, drinking wine, feeling slowly and slowly getting tired of the alcohol... still, the time is nice, the people are just like you and me, dancing to the songs of Boney M. and such... there is a positive tune in the air, and also in your mood... you do not know how, but suddenly you are talking to a guy... he is handsome, interesting, funny... special looks in his and your eyes follow... the touch, the skin feels so soft... you are thinking of this being a fantasy... :)

Well, I always get reminded that these things exist at the precise moments when I feel like losing faith in love and life, when my life is getting inconsistent... like yesterday...

It happened.
And I am glad.

Thanks L, you made me believe again! :)

(Image by Jorn Henrik: The Unexpected III)

Haven't cried so much in a long time

I really surprise myself sometimes... like just now... I have been watching Whale Rider and was weeping constantly for the last 15 minutes... Fifteen minutes! Can you imagine that... I mean, there wasn't even SUCH a sad moment within the movie, however the final pictures made me feel so desolate and saddened... I think the movie really well connects the intimate story of Paikea as the unwanted child within the line of chiefs and the disintegrating nation of the Whangara. But crying so much... I always knew I am a crybaby... but this! :)

Brodeuses

On a totally different note: I have been again surprised by a movie. Brodeuses (Perlenstickerinnen) is a beautiful piece of cinematography and script interpretation by the camera under the helm of Éléonore Faucher as director of this french movie.
Claire, a 17-year old, is pregnant. She cuts the relationship with her parents, and moves into the city, her only bond being her younger brother Thomas. She covers up her feelings under the veil of angriness, her growing belly under several layers of vests and jackets. She is decided not to keep the baby but give it to adoption. Her only bright moments are the hours spent with embroidery... but that is not what the film is about...
It is about patterns in our lifes which we embroid. It is about the patterns we create and fill with happiness, beauty and love or even sadness, truth and pain. What is the pattern you are working on right now?

Single and looking?

After I have received the word yesterday from a prospect of mine that he "only" wants to remain friends with me, I feel more and more free... Seems to me like any falling in love ties up my energy and if not resolved in a relationship or parting, makes me feel desolate. Which is just really bad, I tell you! :(

On the other hand, I have the feeling of belonging more and more to myself... and compelled to listen to what my inner voice is saying: There are right now two other guys who I find kind of attracted to however I lack the vibes of falling in love with any of them... even if it is only on a superficial basis of looks and behavioural attitude. I kind of cannot move without that feeling... There is no "later"... just "now".

So... I shall keep waiting... single... but looking?
No, not really... :)

I am a wildcart!

Which File Extension are You?

Galway taxi

"I can't get married in this country"
were your words as you were
driving us home

and I didn't need the question
asked by Alison (to know
you are gay)

epecially after you've complained
that Outrageous did close
(maybe because of the name?)

the truth that
you are in a long-term relationship
kind of surprised me however
as I thought you are kind of cute too

Chill-out

Several random news from today:

1. London has been awarded EuroPride 2006! This is great news, and I cannot even imagine how full Oxford and Regent Streets will be that day! Mass murder!!! :))) I am quite happy however, I shall get a cheap RyanAir ticket and see the show! It will definitely be worth it.

2. I learned about functionalism in architecture as my father currently tries to invest in a building which is protected under the city's Protection Act for historical buildings... I know this one however and it really will not matter whether the windows will be plastic or wooden... Actually, if we should be in accordance with the functionalism principle, the plastic ones would actually better serve the purpose. *godad*

3. Brokeback Mountain is a hype somehow... I have just joined the new brokebacksupport group at Yahoo! for all those fans who cannot wait till the movie hits the cinemas. (Which actually in Europe should be around Feb 2006! *anger*) However, I have heard from a source within the Viennale that they actually may show it already in October!!! *yeeeha* (I swear, if this happens, I get a cowboy costume to the premiere!) :)

On and off the road

Two days ago I have come back from my little one-week road trip through the UK and Ireland. And it was such a pleasure!
Dana and Gerhard (I think of them as D&G) :) got married last Thursday in Galway, Ireland, and I felt very happy to be able to join them on this occasion. They are a wonderful couple and I surely wish them only the Best! You both rock, you know it, guys! (I am such a fan of theirs!!! *blushing*)
Well, before that I have visited London and met Uli, Ulli, Jen and Andrew, and had a great time with all of them! (Thanks to Andrew I am now a proud owner of The Transformers Original 80's cartoon's DVD set of the first season! Which blasts!) Afterwards I spent two days in Dublin, just walking around the city and meeting friends: Suzy (you may visit her blog here) and Ruth... I really enjoyed it tremendously! I have even departed to the airport on Wednesday meeting Ruth again as she was dispatching for Amsterdam that day (having an IGLYO board meeting).
But that was still not the end of it: me traveling back with Alison (another friend and guest at D&G's wedding party) to Falkirk in Scotland. And I tell you, it was such a great trip! We have done a small tour through the Trossachs National Park north of Glasgow and I have spent an unforgetable evening with her family too... Wow! Scotland is definitely a place to see. I warmheartly recommend it!
Well, that was the trip. I did not think of how deep in work issues I will be after I return. (I should actually know after receiving my boss'es phone call just several minutes after returning back to Vienna that he needs me badly in the office tomorrow... and that I should be braced for work!) And that was actually the reason why I am blogging so lately... I have not had enough time to organise myself at home yet, figuring out that I most probably never will. :)

But enough of my traveling and work...
I have just discovered that one of my most awaiting movies this year: Brokeback Mountain (IMDB) has just been awarded the Golden Lion for the Best Film at the prestigeous Venice Film Festival! *yeeeha*
The film is starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger as two cowboys falling in love in the summer of 1963 while sheepherding in the harsh, high grasslands of Wyoming; Ang Lee directing it. Boys and girls, I just hope this film will make it into the Viennale selection this year enabling me to see it already in October! *fingerscrossed*

Like a sponge

It is weird... In the last month I have been so spongy, it is getting almost unbearable! I mean the longing... I am longing for some kind of closeness. And it is getting me crazy. I want to feel it! I just want to feel something... something nice. Love, kindness, touching somebody with care and meaning it at the same time. Being true about those feelings... Being there in the moment and enjoying it fully and still being sure that this is something I can count on tomorrow. Is it too much wanted?

I did see Life as a house again just now. I like the movie. It is a story about closeness, hugs, protecting each other, giving, loving, spontaneity and life... as it happens. It makes me cry here and there. And I like it when I cry... at least in that moment I feel a bit alive.

And I know I want to raise kids. :)