occasiary (an occasional diary)

Love songs

2009-02-19T00:23:00.009+01:00

Wow... just seen the movie Les chansons d'amour and have to say, it is a beautiful piece of work. With beautiful actors, great emotions and lovely songs. Love songs.

And watchgin this great piece of french cinematography, it reminded me how I have been recently thinking about whether I am able to fall in love again. To make it short and painless - yes, I know I am able, however I have not been in love for a long period of time now, which weirdly feels like ages... so I almost forget how fine it was to be in love and be loved. Puh! Thanks goodness, there are soaps like Hollyoaks and Verbotene Liebe, which let me remember those moments. And also thanks to this little french movie, I do remember.

Btw, tomorrow (means today, as I am writing this half past midnight) is Rosenball in Vienna. And Oliver and I are going. This is the first ball of this season for me... and seems like the only one, as I did not plan to attend any others. I will make some photos and try to post those here. :)

Now, saying: good night! and going to bed.

This made my day

2008-02-09T13:22:00.001+01:00

Just imagine the three hottest young male actors of our time in the same movie... Doesn't that feel like Christmas!? To me it does: check out the coming soon movie STOP-LOSS with Ryan Phillippe, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and *omg* Channing Tatum! Yeah!!! I feel like dancing! :)
Trailer: http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/stoploss/
Website: http://www.stoplossmovie.com/

Heath Ledger dead

2008-01-23T12:58:00.000+01:00

This is the blow of the year (so far).
Heath is dead.
Gone.

With him goes also the unexplored potential of a person and an unprecedented actor. He has touched a lot of people's hearts through his movies and it only is in our imagination how many could have been touched and changed through his further career.

The humanity has lost one of her guiding artistic spirits yesterday. And the loss is extraordinary in this case...

He was just several months younger than myself.
Sadness...

P.S. It is quite weird but many of the fansites are down. Maybe some kind of family intervention... who knows. More info on: http://www.heathledgerdied.info/

Why should I bother?

2007-11-27T22:48:00.000+01:00

I have been thinking yesterday... while arriving home after a social activity, which by attending I was able to sponsor a new bed sheet for a friend of a friend of mine (long story, do not ask *g*)... and was asking myself this question:

Why should I bother making something special out of my life?

And I tell you honestly, so far, I have no clue. I really do not know why I should bother making a difference in the world... creating a better place or such... I mean, I am living in balance with myself and the world... I am not bothering anyone, I am a pacifist, I do separate my garbage, I work my hours, I pay my taxes, I am tolerant towards others, I also state my point if I feel that it is important for me or others, I love my family and friends... I am quite happy with myself and thus do not feel like there is a need for going out and preaching my way to others. Also, where would I take the right to do so? To impose my private believes and values upon others?

This is a very strange thing for me to write like this... and a very strange thing to read what I have written. Just several months ago, I was still a strong proponent of the notion that we as humanity diminish by each one death there is in the world... And there are a lot of deaths in the world... many of them undeserved, unnatural. And that I should do something about those deaths... Change the perception of people, lead them to understanding (each other and the world around them).
Somehow that has changed. I still feel that we as humanity diminish by this acts of unneeded violence and cowardice and that there is a need for more understanding... but I feel like I have established stronger and more solid barriers - rules - to my behaviour for it not to be pushy and imperative. People should not be instructed in understanding... they need to want it. They have to arrive at the understanding by themselves. I may be able to catalyse this change but I am not willing to do this by taking drastic methods. It is the slow change, which is the strongest among changes... slow and steady.

After reading this thing again, I feel clearer about some of my values. And that's good.

However, I need to go back to the original question...
I had always seen myself as a hero... It was an archetype I have created around myself... and now, suddenly, I feel it to be wrong, as it did take over some of my life. It pushed me into decisions I sometimes did not wanted to make... to be on the front line, to be the mover of things. I want my ideas to be represented and incorporated however I need not to be the one who speaks for those ideas. I just love creating them. Creating concepts, new things, optimisations... I would even feel greater if these things would get implemented but that's not my role to play. Well, at least not entirely. :)
Maybe I also feel too much under stress with this archetype hanging over me... and I just want to get rid of it. It does mean also that I do ditch some of my personal expectations too... and that is actually an opportunity. :) To feel the void. And explore it... and let it be filled again, after I decide to do so.

Uuuuh... exciting! :D

Listening to: I have discovered a great jazz station: Jazz24 - they have an online stream and I so much enjoy it these days! Brilliant music!

The McDean story - A must-see!

2007-11-25T18:31:00.000+01:00

I am not a big fan of daily soaps... I mean, until there is not a good story to be watched with some cute guys in it. It was a marvel and a pleasure to find out that there actually is one! Or was this year... It is called Hollyoaks and it is a British soap series.

The whole substory is circling around two guys - John Paul (JP) and Craig, who are best mates, till JP figures out that he is actually gay and in love... with Craig. Wow! That is however only the start of a high-end state-of-the-art drama-deluxe teen gay romance with enormous potential to suck you in and hold you at the tv screen for a long time. (As the World Turns has crappy performances and bad camera work, this one is way better!)

For those, who would like to give it a chance, the whole story - by fans dubbed as The McDean story (because of the names of the characters: JP McQueen and Craig Dean) can be watched on the youtube playlist JP & Craig from the start by crumpetsandjam. I will warn you though... it is about 96 videos! Well, ok... if you are interested in the main story, begin somewhere around January 2007 and work yourself up till October. :) And do not forget the handkerchiefs!

(At the end you will figure out why I am listening to Dusty Spriengfield so fiercely!) *g*

Listening to Findlay Brown - But you love me (the Other best song from Hollyoaks)

The Break(ing)

2007-11-25T12:31:00.000+01:00

I know, I know... what a long time no see... I know. And somehow I feel, it was needed and useful. To me. The last two months have been quite uneventful on the outside and still very strong on the inside of me: work was tough but good, I have neglected my physical state even more than usual (who needs a shower or a shave! they are totally overrated! *ggg*), I was longing the whole time for something more, something higher and finer and greater and... but it was always just that - the Longing. No steps forwards, though no steps back neither. I felt stuck. I could not move. It was a feeling of being trapped by myself. By my indecisiveness and laziness. Precisely knowing where these bars, which were holding me back, came from... though at the same time not being able to do something against them. Not wanting to... The Longing was sooo much easier and comfortable. The wangling in daydreams, in daily routines, in goals set by others... It is so much easier to follow paths chosen by others.

The freedom has become one of my prime values and objectives in the last two years... I have never thought that freedom would be so important to me... and now, I suddenly go against it? Was it the feeling of a silent understanding that there is no absolute freedom which made me grow so weak during these last two months? Or was I just being fed up with the energy I have to create for me to feel free? Or was it maybe the opposite of freedom which I was unconsciously looking for? The bonding... I do not know.

I remember the catalyst of the change from the Break(ing) precisely. It will sound cheap but it is true: it was a Hollywood movie. It is called Freedom Writers and it is a story not dissimilar from the movie Dangerous Minds. A young fresh starter English teacher arrives at a school torn by gang violence based on racial conflicts. As a welcome gift, she receives a class of damaged kids and sure-to-be drop-outs. Only slowly she learns of the differences which separate these kids... and the similarities which connect them. She changes her curriculum after a moment of shock when one of the black students is mocked because of his big lips, which she compares with the beginnings of a holocaust, when people were treated differently only because they looked differently. The moments after depict the process of the class bonding together and trying to accomplish the unspeakable - the graduation. What was even stronger than the film itself is that it is based on a true story of Erin Gruwell, who was the teacher in question. The Freedom Writers have established a foundation which aims it is to help kids all over the US to reach over their racial borders and violence and achieve their dreams. I wanted to know more, so I have also bought the diary of the Freedom Writers, which was the integral part of their experience. It certainly is a must read for everybody! It is a great story of overcoming unspeakable obstacles for a greater good and personal future... in many ways it is also very emotional and staggering to read about these kids who have all these problems of dysfunctional families, street violence and multiple responsibilities and financial problems, who - despite this all - are making their best to reach their goals... and finally to compare those situations with mine, which is none of it. That did shift a gear in me.

Nevertheless... that was not the end of the story... October came with another surprise (another climax in the Break(ing): I came out to my dad!
Hah! Yes, I am 28 years old and I had finally had the guts to come out to my dad. (My mum and brother already knew.) I tell you, it wasn't planned... but it turned out great... well, not really. What I mean is that the overall outcome is great - I am out of the closet. The other consequences rather suck... and I will not put them online, as they are rather nasty... just ask me if you would like to know more... I am open to share.
I also think that he certainly will calm down with some time passing. :)

Hm... when speaking of Break(ing)... I do not think the Breaking actually came to a real climax of a Break. I kind of reverted it and gone back to what was before... which I do not like. I just have not seen the potential which was there and I am not sure about this other iteration which I am in right now. But there is not pushing in this state, I am going to see how it turns out. :)

Listening to Dusty Springfield - I close my eyes and count to ten right now.

Tim Fish rocks!

2007-08-12T17:23:00.001+02:00

Many of you know that I am geek when it comes to animation or comics. I have not grown up on western comics though as those were unavailable during the communist regime in Czechoslovakia when I was a kid. But I was a big reader of all the ABC comics they published and those were great!

So, I could not resist yesterday while stopping at the Loewenherz bookshop to have a look through the comics section... and I have found a gem - Tim Fish's Cavalcade of Boys! I have actually only bought it because of the cute guys on the cover and the art... but it surprisingly is full of great characters, rich stories and overreaching arcs which connect these together. Bravo, Tim!

While reading the book, I actually had two or three flashes of truth... I have seen myself in one or two of these characters... and eventually wished, I would be in their shoes sometimes. ;)

For those of you, who would like to get to know more about Tim or his work, just have a look at his webpage: www.timfishworks.com.

Currently listening to the soundtrack of Kinky Boots.

Disillusion

2007-06-08T23:51:00.000+02:00

I have just returned from the first this year's screenings of the LGBT film festival in Vienna, identities. This year, my focus is on de-constructing pornography (with movies like v.o., That Man: Peter Berlin Story, or Gay sex in the 70s) and current male gay cinema (Heights with James Marsden and El Cielo Dividido directed by Hernandez). Btw, the festival is not really overrun, so you should be able still to get the tickets you if you should decide to go and see some of the program.

Just before the second film started, I met Philip and Markus in from of the Top Kino and we chatted a bit, Philip telling about his current amazement with kids and how he wishes for a child some day and how crazy he is about kids these days... My answer was that just two days ago I felt disillusioned about this topic, feeling that I am slowly letting go of this dream of mine because a solid guy who wants to build a family is hard to find these days... and I kind of do not feel yet strong enough to do this just by myself.
Returning to these thoughts makes me feel extremely sad and somehow broken as I have always wanted to have kids. I even remember one of the discussions about having kids with my first love, Pedro, while I have been in Oporto. I remember it so clearly and precisely, as if it would have been yesterday... We were in a shopping center, sitting at the food court, I have just finished my meal and Pedro was playing with his, when we kind of slipped into the topic about children. I have asked him how many kids he would like to have and he slapped me with his answer: six. OMG, six! I was taken aback and surprised... in the first seconds, I did not know whether he tells the truth or whether he jokes around, as he was always very keen of joking around... The next thing he tells me than is that we would need to buy a family van, which I say, I would be driving the kids to the schools with. He suddenly tells me that he would not allow me to drive the van because I am a lousy driver and he would not feel comfortable about putting their lives into my hands... and that he would buy me a sporty car to drive around alone...
You can certainly imagine, how pissed I was hearing this! *g*

Well, nevertheless... Pedro is past and so are other guys, who I would imagine as great dads (e.g. Lumpi)...
Hm...
Makes me feel disillusioned.

Listening: to the silence of my room and the running of the fan of my computer. :)

Picture: Desillusion, 2005 by Lou/Gaço.

I love youtube!

2007-06-05T23:53:00.000+02:00

I do. I love youtube. It has the music I like to listen to, it provides the internet with a feeling of uniqueness and individuality. People are represented. I know, most of it is show-off and entertainment but I love the small pieces of gems scattered within the mess... Like videos from geriatric1927, a 79-year old man who is mostly telling stories from his life. He very much resembles my grandmother (mother side) in this matter. She is also telling me stories of her childhood and youth. Very much about what she has gone through and how it did affect her. Of course, she sometimes tells the same stories a couple of times but it is always an honor to be able to listen to her. I am already thinking about buying her a small recording device to record these things just to preserve those for the future...

Another thing, I do use youtube for is playing music. Just several weeks ago, I was totally obsessed with Jacques Brell's song Ne me quitte pas and right now, I am almost crying while looking at the video of Eric Prydz remix of Call on me. It is a jem! :) Btw, there is also a extremely funny anti-AIDS campaign commercial aimed at the male gay community. I could not stop laughing the first time, I have seen this. You may also find the hetero pendant to it but it just isn't as well done as this one...

Btw, I have just received word today that some of my loyal readership is not interested into my computer geekiness... well, boys, I am sorry... but that was only the beginning... I still want to write down the precise set up instructions for my linux as it is sometimes quite hard to find those somewhere else... in the end, I am doing this not for me but for people who are looking for these instructions on the web... :) Other than that, I am looking forward to get to understand linux more and more... I have also started with some evangelism and translated two main pages of opensuse wiki into Slovak. Six other pages to go until the language receives a full support status! :)

Currently listening to: Eric Prydz - Call On Me.

Opensuse - again!

2007-06-04T23:59:00.000+02:00

After a thorough analysis of my home laptop system, I have come to the conclusion that I do not really need to brag with a state-of-the-art system, as I am very happy with what I have and I would not be using the features of a top-notch architecture anyhow (I am not producing any kind of videos nor playing heavy-graphics games)... So, as the only thing, which was getting me crazy, was the relatively small hard drive (40 GB), I have bought a nice new 100 GB Hitachi drive on ebay in April and finally come to install it in mid May.

I have to say one thing: I love Windows... when the system is empty. Or almost empty. It is fast, it works well out of the box, like a charm! However, I am already dreading the situation when I start putting programs on it... *fear*

When it comes to Linux... so far, I was an opensuse user since version 10.0 and have been using opensuse 10.1 lately. I was quite happy with it, however a new hard drive demands a new system and so I figured out, this could be a great possibility for setting up the 10.2 version.

After a weird first setup - with crazy ndiswrapper settings, no 3D acceleration and something else, which annoyed me and I do not really recall, I made up my mind and tried to install:

ccux - which ended even before the installation at the misguided partitioning scheme, bye, bye ccux!

kubuntu - which I could not set up the internet on, bye, bye, kubuntu!

fedora - which looks marvellous!!! bravo, red hat, this distro is a jem! but I could not find a way to install something on it as the updater was always trying to connect to internet which I do have only via wireless... so bye, bye, fedora!

frugalware - which gave me a headache to find the continue button after partitioning! people, please, call it differently!!! or rename the OK button to Partionate or something similar! this is an example of usability at it's worst!

And finally...

Opensuse - again!
And it works! I love it! It even recognized my wireless card, I still had to set it up using ndiswrapper though but still, it recognized it. I have than made a tragic mistake of trying to install ATI's graphic drivers (8.28.8) which were set up for X.org 7.1 only... leaving me with a crashed SAX. Great...

Installing again... But slowly, I am getting the hang out of it. :)

On some other tune:

The new Babylon 5 homepage is on, including the trailer for the upcoming directly-to-DVD movie(s) Babylon 5: The Lost Tales. Check it out!

My first eBay

2007-05-12T12:15:00.000+02:00

Today, I have posted my first item ever on eBay... and I really hope somebody nice will like it and buy it, as this is one of the best things, I have bought so far - a MiniDisc player and recorder from JVC. You may look up the item here.

Other than that... Nicolas and Laurent, two friends of mine from Paris are now in Vienna, so I plan to spend time with them during this weekend. Walking through the city and bitching about Sarkozy. :)

Also, the Eurovision Song Contest, which I have not payed attention to so far is being broadcasted today, so tune in and vote! I will probably join a group of people in this turkish bar today in the evening to get crazy about the songs and maybe sing along if there is something worth singing to.

Oh, and I am back on the track with my energies... I have redecorated my room totally... have feng-shui-ed it and feel very well with the vibes in it right now. It turned out to be quite easy actually... and the Force is strong in me since then.

Listening to:
Listening to: Mia and her Tanz der Molekuele (A Lil' House Dj Milch Mix), thanks to Paul for infecting me with this song! ;)

The journeys: Dominican Republic and Amsterdam

2007-05-01T23:24:00.000+02:00

In the last two weeks, I have been globetrottering the world a bit. (And taking some time off from work, which I desperately needed due to the quite heavy load in the last months.)

My first journey went to the Dominican Republic, where a friend of mine, Nikki, was getting married. The second one was to Amsterdam, where Jenny, a very good friend of mine, was celebrating her 30th birthday yesterday!

But... let's do one after the other:

Dominican republic is a paradise, when it comes to beaches, ocean colour, meals and weather. It combines great hospitality and wonderful climate with the best (and I really mean BEST) sandy beaches I have ever seen in my life... (and those, who follow my blog, know, that I have seen the beaches of Greece, Gran Canaria and Sardinia in the last couple of years). Sorry, those cannot even compare! But Dominican Republic is also a country of great divide between the rich and the poor, the tourists from the former colonisation countries and the original citizens. The infrastructure of the city (even the capital, Santo Domingo) is surviving at best. The slums are there, and they look worse than you would ever imagine. The country however is full of life and full of motion. Almost kind of a chaos, which follows certain main rules, however anything else, which does not defy them, is allowed. Due to this kind of mentality, the country possesses an enormous potential in future development. The journey was really cool also due to my fellow journey(wo)men - Paulina and Roland! Thanks a lot for dragging me onto the boat in the first place and then sticking with me during the whole trip! :)

The beach of Punta Cana resort:

Me at the beach of La Isla Saona:

(Btw, in those seven days, I have managed to read ca. 1200 pages of Dan Simmons Hyperion and Dan Browns The da Vinci Code. The first one being quite good, very well written, almost a show-off of the writer's skills. The second one is a weak and repetitive, slowly dragging story of no special inventions. I cannot understand where the hype came from!)

Tip for future travellers to Dominican Republic: If you come and see the country, do not stay in your resort / club only! Take a car, a bus or a caro publico and get your ass around the country a bit! The busses are cheap and get you almost anywhere. Just check for connections as the busses come and go at different times. This will enable you to see a bit more and maybe gets you interrested in fighting poverty in the world!

Amsterdam is a gem of a city... Thanks a lot, Jenny, for inviting me! The whole weekend was a blast! I have not felt that good in a long time now! The city is very intimate, incredibely romantic, very touchy-feely. I love it! But the weekend would not be such an amazing time without the poeple there: Wai Kin, Paul, Natalie, Elise, Jacqui and of course, Jenny, the b-day child! :) Thanks a lor for the great time, guys! It was a pleasure to meet you all and spend these almost four days with you together! And I am strating to miss you already. This may be kind of weird but I almost felt like a part of a family... and that made me feel wanted and belonging somewhere as opposite to my attachless wandering through the time and space right now. You are in my hearth.

The b-day cake for Jenny:

Wai-Kin, me, Elise, Jacqui, Jenny, Natalie, Paul:

Btw, Jenny has more photos from the weekend in her Picasa album.
Kisses!

Listening to: Mika and his amazing album called Life in Cartoon Motion

Paracetamol junkie

2007-03-26T12:02:00.000+02:00

Yes, I am. In the last three months, I have been taking Paracetamol each second week (in average), which kind of makes me wonder how long it is going to take me to reach the state when I am going to need it constantly...

For those, who do not know: Paracetamol (or also known as acetaminophen) is the is a common analgesic and antipyretic drug that is used for the relief of fever, headaches and other minor aches and pains (citation: Wikipedia). It can be freely bought in any pharmacy.

In the last three months, each two weeks, I have been having one week of a light cold... and as it did not seems to be that serious, I have not been taking vacations to cure it... Now, the time came when I am pissed with me just keep working and putting work over myself as though it, I just keep damaging myself. My body feels weak and I feel like there is something lingering over my lungs... I need time to recover and thus today is my first day off-work. Actually, I am also going to see a doctor and get a proper examination (I just hope, he does not give me another paracetamol-clone drug - there are myriads of those around!).

Update:
I am off drugs now and happy to be healthy. :)
My doctor got me an antibiotic, which I was not really fond of... but it helped and I feel like a new born now! *yeeeha!*

Values and consequences

2007-03-18T12:47:00.000+01:00

In the last two months, I have been contemplating heavily about the values I set as the primary in my life. The ones, which I am so much after. And some of them were not easily found. It all began on my way back to Vienna at the beginning of January... Suddenly I had the feeling of my family desintegrating... There was a strong tension in the air... Yes, maybe it was the Christmas time, which kept us going at each other throats but I do not think so. I think that such a stressful time actually does good. It lets people's tension surface and expose. And one of them is the lie we are living as a family. (Or is it only me being so detached? Hm, could be...) Nevertheless, my feeling was not about losing touch with my family but rather getting aware that the family I have is not the family I want to have. In means of relationships. I do not want to need to justify myself because I am running late with my thesis. I do not want to be silent about what is on my mind. I do not want to play the role of a happy and smiling and supporting grand-child. I want to be me. I want to be free. It does not help me and does not help the others to pretend living... We need to live. It is the only thing we have here... us. Why not to be true to ourselves then?

So the first value I came out to realize is freedom.
I have actually kept this one pretty away from me all the time. Being a sagittarius, all my horoscopes are filled with descriptions of how I love freedom and how I am somebody longing for freedom... So far, I thought, they were talking about somebody else. Right now, I think I was not paying enough attention to myself... I feel like I am not free at all and suddenly I am striving for freedom so much. It does not mean, I am tossing all of my others believes away, nor that I am losing my sense of moral... but I try to regard things more lightly. I try to give a touch of elemental sense (earthiness, fire, airy and floating feeling) to my perspective now. And it pays off...
But freedom may become too loose, so it needs to be connected to integrity to work for me. I need to remain in tune with myself. I just need to listen to my music more carefully and also display it. To have the guts to display it... :)

My second value which I am still elaborating on is: beauty.
...and I am not talking about something looking nice. It does include that, however it is about the design in life. About my behaviour with people around me. Do I create beauty by my doing? Not the beauty of a glimps of a moment but the beauty which endures. I need to work on that very much. And freedom will help me with this goal. Because only freedom lets you become truly creative. Beauty is also about how I do my work, how I regard the world, how I am trying to find even things ugly at the first sight appealing, about how I care for who I am and who other people are.

I know, these two are really big values... but I believe they really do represent my longing best. I am not sure about the consequences... but wouldn't life be dull if I would be? :)

Happenings

2007-02-05T00:24:00.000+01:00

The world is getting crazy this year. At least to me, it looks like it is. Do not understand me wrong, I like it... I am totally in favor of the world getting crazy. Nothing else, I would desire more... At least then, we would have some normality here!
Not only my work keeps me bussier than I could have ever imagined, I even like it! I really do. The job's great. The coworkers are a blessing. My boss and myself are getting well along. My customer is totally fond of me... Anything else I need in this direction? Nope. Thank you.
Physically, I am kind of half-way fine. I had a hard week at the beginning of January but I have won over the cold and now I am feeling better. There are some echos of it still present, so most of the time, I just wish of living in a country of never-ending summer. And I swear, one day, I will move there.
Spiritually, I had a great weekend in the middle of January, when I met a my second soul mate. (Second, because I have met one before....) Reiner, thanks for the greatest talks and unbelievable intimacy we shared on the spiritual level. It is something unforgettable, being challenged so much in such a deep and touching way. I bow in awe of your empathy and intelect... it was refreshing and scary at the same time. I loved every second we spent together.
Socially, I am doing great, but emotionally... Well, let's just say, I am neglecting a lot of my inner boundaries and crossing them consciously. And so far, I did feel well... but this weekend, I feel like the longing for more is back. Being wanted... and needed... and loved. Oh my... this is me at my best... rambling about my loneliness. Great... *s*
I need to go to sleep... it is too late already...
(...and I need a vacation. Pleaase!!!)

Btw, I like the new Blogger much better. :)

Twenty-eight

2006-12-13T22:43:00.000+01:00

Another year in my life closes, another begins. I feel that the number 28 is a special one... it gives me confidence. According to numerology, 28 is reflected in the number 1 which is ruled by the Sun. It lies in the center of all the numbers, it shines with leadership. It provides gifts as self-suffiency, mastery and invention. It stands for establishing individuality and making a name. And I really feel that way. There is something changing in my inner self since this summer... maybe it was due to the process of finding the worth of living... instrumental for the things to come... maybe it is the full-time job I have started in November, and maybe it is me looking at life with eyes unclouded for a long time now, re-establishing my spirituality, which I thought, I have lost long time ago... but actually just were not able to see.

The change I speak of is towards a more free version of myself. Still true to my values of friendship, creativity, beauty and helpfulness but at the same time more focused on my passions, which previously may have been held by the chains of morality, fear and low self-esteem. This is surely just the beginning of the journey, however I hear the call louder each day. I reflect my actions more and thorough than ever. I feel like every step of mine is conscious in itself, like every eyes movement has a meaning...

But back to the numbers now... One posseses also several challenges: stubbornness, egotism, bluntness, ambition, dominance, willfulness and impulsiveness are just few to mention. And yes, I am conscious of those. Especially bluntness may be an easy hole to fall in. I am not speaking of bluntness of words, as that one is just a progression of the bluntness of the hearth, the bluntness of the soul. It could happen when I would begin to be consumed with myself too much. And maybe I already am... *shudder* Reflection needed.

At the end - a quick but warm-hearted thanks to all who thought of me! Best wishes to all of you!

(picture by: Simon Ripley)

Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte

2006-11-12T17:57:00.000+01:00

Yes, ladies and gents! My personal cooking adventure is going on. This weekend was really tough as Ines, my lovely flat-mate has a b-day today and I could not relly come up with a present... so, I have finally decided to bake her a birthday cake. A really special one too... as it is one of the most world known baking specialities... directly from the Black Forest region in Germany - behold: Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte!

When I look back at this, this is the first time I was really doing a big cake like this and to be honest, I knew, the Kirschtorte is no fun to do... but it was a challenge and I am really keen on taking those, so as the first step, I researched the recipe. It was not hard to find... There are two sites, which give you a pretty detailed info about how to do it: here (in German) and here (in English). Both are very similar, so I took that for a sign of proof and started baking. That was yesterday... and I failed miserably... The thing, which came out of the oven was a misformed chocolate flying disc hard as stone... well, not as stone, but certainly hard to eat... what a failure! I began to search for the mistake in my making and found several: first, I was too harsh on the dough, as the ingredients should have been fonded in while I have been mixing it pretty hard... using a electric hand mixer... no wonder the thick (but yummy)chocolate mass was not going to grow in the oven... I also have put the oven too high on temperature... Well, nevertheless... I felt like this is not going to bring me down and I will succeed, so I made myself a promise to try again day after. (Which is today... and I tell you, I overdid myself! *just my humble opinion*)

I have been following a different recipe now, from the Bayerisches Kochbuch of my other flat-mate Melanie. For the cake body you need:

6 eggs
1 tablespoon lemon juice
125 g sugar
60 g fine flour
30 g Maizena
40 g cacao
bit of baking powder
butter and flour for the baking tray

First, separate the egg whites from the yellows. The whites have to be beaten thoroughly. Then, add the one tablespoon of lemon juice and mix it in. Mix in also the sugar - but slowly, spoon by spoon. Beat it further more, until it is white and shiny. It should look something like this:

Separately, beat the egg yellows. Also separately, mix the fine flour, Maizena, cacao and baking powder together. Now, slowly and bit by bit fond these ingrediences into the beaten egg whites. The volume of the mass will diminish but not too much... Be very careful when doing this, as I have screwed up at this point last time. When finished, your dough is ready and may be poured into the buttered and floured baking form. Does it also look like this?

Put the form into the pre-heated oven and bake it for around 45 min. at 180 degree Celsius.
When finished, place it outside the oven to cool. Later, take off the form. Be careful not to brake the cake! (I almost did!) *g*
Go to sleep or have sex with your boy/girl/friend/buddy and come back later... (when the cake is cold)
So far, you have been a master cook and did well. Now, depending on the thickness of your base, decide whether you will cut it into two or three slices. As I was using a really big form (ca. 28 cm in diameter), I could only cut it in two.
As the next step, I have prepared the cherry filling. You need:

1 big jar (500 g) of sour cherries
1 tablespoon of lemon juice
4 tablespoons of Maizena
10 tablespoons of sugar
1/2 or 3/4 liter of whipped creme
two small glasses of cherry liquor
chocolate splinters for decoration

This is the return to the previously mentioned recipes... both start with preparation of the cherry filling: separate the cherries from their sirup (and place about 14 cherries aside for final decoration). Put 1/4 liter of the cherry sirup and the lemon juice in a souce pan and cook it. When boiling, add 4 tablespoons of sugar and the same amount of Maizena. This will thicken the mass... mix it and let it boil for one minute. Now, add the cherries and slowly - not to brake them - fond them into this sauce. When boiling again, you are finished.

Now, take the bottom slice of your base and sprinkle it with the cherry liquor. Then, place a thin spread of whipped cream on it. On top of this, draw three symmetrical circles (using a pastry bag - I did not have one, so I was fighting the whipped cream with a spoon, which can get quite messy), in between which you will place the cherry souce. Do this. You may use all of your souce. Now, you should have created a nice white-and-red circle pattern. (I am very sorry, I do not have a picture of this, as it would help most to have a look.) Place your second cake slice on top of it, press it down gently. If you sliced your cake base into two, you are finished and may began spreading the rest of the whipped cream on top and decorating the cake. (If you still have a third slice left, sprinkle the second again with the cherry liquor and cover it thick with whipped cream. Place the third slice on top of this.)

As decoration, I did not use much... just the rest of the cream, spread all over the cake and the cherries on the top of it in a circle... and grated chocolate in the middle. The result is still waiting to be eaten and looks like this:

Now, how does your look? And how does it taste? Let me know! :)

Happy Birthday, Ines!

Listening to: Rebekah Jordan and her amazing EP called The Trouble with Fiction

Gordon just gives me chills

2006-11-11T14:56:00.000+01:00

I have seen Rent in Cleveland about two and a half years ago. And I wasn't really astouned by it. The story seemed to be rather choppy, too many characters to focus on, the main story arc too simple and weak to hold it all.

But I found the new feature adaptation of the musical very well done. My favourite piece is the one in life support, where Gordon, one of the guys complains about his T-cells... His solo gets me chills! He is so good! And it is a brilliant piece of music...

Look - I find some of what you teach suspect
Because I'm used to relying on intellect
But I try to open up to what I don't know

Because reason says I should have died
Three years ago.

For all those, who did not see it... There is a small bit of it at YouTube. Go and get it! :)

Listening to: Rent, The Original Broadway Cast

Eureka!

2006-10-11T16:54:00.000+02:00

Yes, I have found it! The meaning of my life. I know it actually sounds very silly as it is a rather long-term thing to find the reason to live and be sure, I am also quite surprised with the outcome of my reflection, however it somehow fits me and it reflects my persona very well, I think, so I am going to stick with it for now.

Btw, I have been blogging about my goals (this one included) on the 43thing.com website, which enables you to follow up on your goals, reminds you of them and let you be inspired by other people achieving these things. My goals may be found here.

And now, the meaning of my life, ladies and gentlemen is:
to be satisfied with myself.

Maybe it sounds very simple, but believe me, most complex things are. Some people would like to be happy, other search for fame or would like to be remembered. Maybe those could be side-effects of what I want but not primary reasons to live. Be self-satisfied is a good reason to go on. And when I say satisfied, I mean satisfied on all aspects of my life: my mind (mental), body (physical) and soul (emotional, spiritual, social levels).

This reflection later brought me to the notion of holistic view of one's life. In the last weeks, I have been reading more about different theories of holistic lifestyles. The structures of body/mind/soul or physical/mental/emotional/spiritual both acutally talk about the same stuff - a view on a person from multiple perspectives. And I really believe, all of these have to be satisfied for me to feel in balance. Which brings me to another outcome of this little exercise and this being my spiritual self.

I believe, I have been up to many things during my life but non of them actually represented a spiritual context of the world. I have been raised without a religion however in humanistic ideals, which put the aspects of human ethics and solidarity at the very top of all the values. The faith in a transcendental context was however missing. I feel an urge now to find this context for me. Maybe it will guide me towards a religion (a thought, which right now, I am not very found of) but I would rather like to start with myself. I would like to explore my spirituality. This is what I want to be engaged with in the next couple of months. ;)

Listening to: Osho - Chakra Sounds Meditation

The meaning of my life?

2006-08-03T21:14:00.000+02:00

I would have never guessed... but the moment came and I have lost the earth under my feet, the whole universe began to collapse and I was at its center. No, let's be fair: I was the universe.

To be precise: since one week, I am in a crisis - I am unsure about the meaning of my life.

(by Christina Rosalie)

It began with the feeling of being able to accomplish anything I would set for. Suddenly, I knew that if I would like to pursue a career in management, I could make it to the top. I knew that if I would like to become a singer, I would succeed. That if I would begin to study for a new profession, I would do it. With this feeling - this awareness of my power to accomplish anything I would set for - everything became possible. And for a moment, I felt like a god. (Not in the divine sense, rather the practical one.) Nothing could stand in my way, everything was achievable... and there was the problem: the possibility of having it all.

If I can have something, I lose my motivation to get it. I just need to know I can... That is enough. (Maybe that is the best test to know whether I really want something or not.) But... that means too that most of the time I am lingering around without feeling really aroused about anything. Everything seems to be easy and nothing has the challenge I would love to see. Would you call it depression? I am not sure... I did not feel depressed, it felt empty but not because I would lack motivation. No, because I did not know where to search for it.

These feelings made life a dull experience... There was nothing what I *really* wanted, what I *really* longed for. For I did not know *why* I should want it. There was little reason to posses something... so it is not the possession of something I am after. It is not the fame. It is not the money nor the knowledge that I can buy something. I felt - and that was the point - I *felt* that what makes life real are feelings... not the superficial ones but rather the originals: joy about something beautiful, sadness about a loss, love towards those I care for, calmness about the tranquility of the silence, etc. Of all things, these originate in us, these are the basic stepping stones.

And thus... after three days of thinking... I have come to the conclusion, that what is desirable for me is what I feel like the moments wants me to do. That was two days ago. Since than, I did not write a word in my thesis. I rather followed my instincts: I have been reading (about managerial finance, which I wanted so long ago), and I have been re-reading some comics (which I love! check out the Bronze series, it is soooo cool!) and I have began to read japanese hiragana again (so I can get fluent in it) and I have did some cleaning in my room (so I feel at home again) and yesterday I even felt like going to work, so I did! I know it sounds crazy, I know. :) Janean said to me, it sounds like Dupree... maybe it does, I did not see the movie so far, so I cannot tell... but that is how I feel. And it makes me feel good.

I still did not figure out whether that is the meaning of my life... or what is... or what I want to do with it... but... it kind of makes me happy right now, so I am going to stick to it. For now... ;)

Slovak Paradise... for me

2006-07-09T23:56:00.000+02:00

Today was such a pleasant and well-being day of mine... Ah, I am feeling so well, I could not stop moaning... of joy! :)

First things first however: my brother dragged me out of our place this noon to engage in a trekking tour through one of the most original Slovak national parks: Slovak Paradise. I say it is most original as it is one of the most untouched places in Slovakia. (This maybe changes successively, as we discovered not only Czech or Polish citizen camping in the park but also Belgian, German and Dutch ones too.) The park's nature with it's rare beauty resembles a Central European jungle: the brooks are rocky, with moose and fallen trees. You need to climb them up holding on to the chains which guide you through this depths of the forest. (Btw, the first person on the ladder is me, the other one is my brother's girlfriend, Patricia.)

When up on the hills, it is a world of vast planes. We crossed those and headed East towards a saddle called Devil's head (with a great scenery outlook).

The good thing is, that you are also learning on the way, as you discover interesting natural phenomena: this time they were carst sinks, which are geological desolations causing sinking of the soil into ca. three to ten meters of depth.

Second thing: after the 5 hour-tour we decided to make a stop in Poprad and go for a swim in the new Aqua City wellness resort. Oh my goodness, it felt sooo good! First, I had a steam bath and later was swimming in a thermal water basin... and in the end, Richard made go and try out the water slides... they were so much fun! It was maybe also becuase there were not many people at the center due to the finale of the soccer world championship.

Third: After the swimming and bathing made us hungry enough, we stopped by at a typical Slovak restaurant in Poprad, the koliba, for dinner. I ordered Tatra raznici: in an aluminum foil baked mixture of three kinds of meat, potatoes and onions. It was just sooo yummy!!! Superb! I recommend this restaurant to everybody!

Love in... love out...

2006-07-03T17:31:00.000+02:00

I am currently experiencing something long time forgotten... somehow, I am getting to know (again) that I can easily fall in love. I mean, it is hard to find the right guy to do so, however if I do (or if he does), my heart does not lose time to do so. I tend to put on my pinky glasses very fast. :) On the one hand side, I am quite happy about it: there is not much hassle about falling in love... on the other hand side, I tend to overdo some stuff when in love, behaving almost like a stalker, bombing the person in question with text messages and thinking about him all the time... which leads me to the worst-case scenario - getting dumped. And that happens quite often, even that I do not get the idea why... Am I that not-likable?

Nevertheless... I wanted to write that I am feeling so good today! Full of energy and passion and joy. Dunno why, the feeling is just present. And it gives me a day-long high. Maybe the discussion with my guiding professor regarding my master thesis this noon has enabled me to let go of the barriers holding me back. It sounds like I should be finished with it by the mid of August, which is great! And precisely within the timeline I have set myself to follow. :)

For those of you, who want to meet me during the summer: I spend most of my time in Vienna (yup, writing my thesis). There will be maybe some prolonged weekends I will be out of the city (e.g. in Prag or home in Slovakia or Budapest) but more or less, Vienna is the place to get hold of me, so let me know!

little haiku for mjk

2006-06-27T08:37:00.000+02:00

you sounded me
as strong as the Pummerin
with an unexpected kiss

Cheer up, cheer down

2006-06-01T11:43:00.000+02:00

To be honest, I am currently in quite a divided mood... On the bright side, my last (REALLY LAST) exam at the WU Wien is over and I have passed. That means there are two things which have to be done before I can call myself a magister: I have to finish my thesis and the course of Intercultural training, which I have done as a preparation for my exchange year abroad has to be transfered to my new study programme. I expect both to be done within the next two months.

For all of you that means that I will be having my graduation party in probably late September and my official graduation on either October 5th or 6th. So please, be so nice and save this date for me.

On the downside... Mr. T's heart has decided to abandon his affection for me which leaves me single again. Well, who would have guessed that? *g*

Still, I fell fine and have so much to do these days, I cannot even start thinking about feeling down or something... My computer needs to be set up anew. I want to give the new Suse 10.1 version a try. Also other distros have caught my attention: Underground Linux, Arch Linux, Frugalware - to mention at least some of them. :)

Btw... on 9th June, i:q - identity:queer is having another party at the Architektur Bar of the TU in Vienna, you are more than welcome to come and join us! I will be most probably doing a drag performance again this time, so be there and watch me whirl my skirts! *ggg*

Cher quotes, Marathon and Love

2006-05-13T11:47:00.000+02:00

Ok, this is maybe a shock for some of you... (certainly for the gay community) but I have only today discovered what a great chic Cher is! Freizeit of Kurier, an Austrian daily, had a feature about the 1964 singer and actress, which kind of summed up her career and lifestyle, incl. some of her greatest quotes...

My Top 5:

5. "I think that the longer I look good, the better gay men feel."

4. "I don't like Bush. I don't trust him. I don't like his record. He's stupid. He's lazy."

3. "A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones."

2. "Men should be like Kleenex: soft, strong and disposable."

and *fanfare*

1. "If you really want something you can figure out how to make it happen."

According to those, I see her as a strong and independent woman who knows what she wants and is steady with her opinions. I like that... It feels like what I would like to be myself, even that I know, I am not really able to lose some of my rigidness and conservative views that soon, still, I am getting more and more stronger lately. :)

Second news: some of you know, some of you do not... I was taking part in the Vienna City Marathon as part of a 4-person-relay. I had the first part which was 16 km and I really felt great! The day began very good, the weather was perfect. Little sun, not as much wind blowing, good temperature for a long run. Even that the beginning kind of got me unprepared as I did not expect all the other people running that fast... I was quite buffled by that. I really gets your mood down if all the people are overtaking you within the first two kilometers. However, I did not let myself get lose and continued within my rhythm and made the 16 km in 1:42 h. which actually is less than I expected (1:45 till 2:00 h.), so I am really happy about that! I certainly plan to go on with running. It felt good and made me appreciate my body a lot.

And now the love stuff... Hm. Dunno what to say, Mr. T is letting me hanging in the limbo right now. I am not sure how the relationship will develop... maybe it is the distance, maybe it is me / us, maybe something else. Dunno. I do like him, that is what I know. I kind of feel however that I am slowly telling myself to let loose... to lessen the emotional bond a bit... which probably is a trick to let myself not get hurt that much when I get walked out on. Well, we will see.

(Love 4: picture by Diego Manuel)

Desperate... but still content?

2006-03-26T19:08:00.000+02:00

It is a weird feeling... I partly feel desperate and would love to ass-kick myself million times, however partly I feel content and calm. I cannot really come up with an explanation for this comic co-habitat of those two very contrast feelings, maybe the co-existence of those two is possible due to the fact that I precisely know where they originate.

The desperation comes from my weak preparation for the exam I should be taking tomorrow. I mean, I am not clueless, however do not feel competent enough to take it. Sure I will go, at least I get a glimpse of how it is constructed and get a feeling for it next time, however I feel a cognitive dissonance (yup, that is one of the fancy words I am learning for my exam currently) growing in me and feel my selfesteem getting lower than ever... Maybe I need to watch a episode of Daria in Esteemers. *g* Ok, no. I need the time for my studying.

My other part is content and calm thanks to several issues: I have just eaten and it was wonderful (never underestimate your stomach!), I know I can complete the exam the next time, I have got to know somebody special and I fell in love a bit. (Yes, I am also shocked!)

Let's take the things one after the other... Today, I have attended a brunch with my friends from AIESEC. It was good, very friendly, and I did some socializing with the next generation of LC Vienna's EB-potentials... The brunch was at Weltcafe and here are some impressions from it:

Now, as I really cook like a miracle since the last two days, I have decided to go on and do something new today... Let me present, ladies and gentlemen: Strapačky! A very traditional Slovak meal, which actually is potatoe-based dumplings with sourkraut and bacon (here substituted with sausage-pieces).

Yes, yes... I know, some of you would love to know something more about me falling in love currently... yeah, something like that is indeed happening... and as you know, it always comes mostly unexpected. T is a great guy from Germany, who has been to Vienna last week and well... we met, we looked into each others eyes... and... hell yeah, it happened. *g*
That's it for now, more details next time. :)

Currently listening to Antonio Carlos Jobim's Agua de Beber from his great compilation of bossanova songs which I would certainly love to dance to with somebody... ;)

Three toques... at least!

2006-03-25T13:35:00.000+01:00

I have made my way up to the stellar heights of the award-winning cooks by creating great stuff yesterday for supper and today for lunch. Geb (my flat-share mate) tells me, I should receive at least two and a half toques for my cooking skills! :) And I am just being happy that my friends enjoy what I cook for them.

Especially today, I made a real effort to produce the best boršč ever! My mum told me to substitute some of the ingeriences, so I have not been using real veal bones to cook but a buillon and also did not use vinegar but sourkraut, which made the whole thing even more juicy!

For those, who are not fluent in Eastern European (this time, Russian) kitchen, Boršč is a meat-and-vegetables soup, very thick and rather sweet-sour, reddish through the usage of beetroot. And... extremely tasty!

Here are some impressions before and after the cooking:

Currently listening to Madonna's I love New York on her latest album Confessions on a dance floor

Alex in Brokeback Mountain style

2006-03-15T16:46:00.000+01:00

As some of you were curious enough to ask about the BBM-style of mine, I was silly enough to take the chance and do some photos of me with my precious belongings on... So, here I come!

The BBM-style consists of a

cowboy hat, no name brand, indigo jeans material, size 58
John Doyle shirt, Scotch & Soda brand, red-and-white flannel, worn-out style, size L
jeans, 4U brand, style Ranger, model 6590, call 9677, size 33/34
belt, HIS brand, brown wood texture, size 95

Any questions?

P.S. Do not regard the basket full of rubish next to me, nor my personal altar behind me. :)

Currently listening to Depeche Mode's I want it all from their album Playing the Angel

Brokeback Mountain

2006-03-11T18:42:00.000+01:00

After seeing it already twice - second time at the gala evening in Filmcasino's re-opening on Thursday - I tend to regard Brokeback Mountain more and more critically. It still remains a pearl between the other trash in the movies right now, however there are certain facts which begin to annoy me. First is the choice of both main actors (Gyllenhall and Ledger) being that beautiful. Sure, it is easier and more pleasant to look at beautiful people, however this does not match with the book, which describes the guys as rough and kind of quirky. The other critical point is the fact that Ang Lee just did not have enough balls to make this a full blown movie about sexuality. He stays at the love side of the story to be safe and not risk the exposure of male-to-male sexuality. By that he neglects a main part of the story. The book as I see it is about desire: emotional, spiritual or physical. By negating one part of these, the other two just do not make sense anymore. The main characters remain in kind of a platonic stasis without a chance to get out of it. Such a pity.
Still, the movie is brilliant in many ways and should be seen!

To pay a tribute to the movie, I have actually bought several things to remind me of it: a flanel shirt, new jeans, and - of course - a cowboy hat! I was really fortunate to find all these things (some during my trip to Budapest, other during my skiing trip to Kaprun last week) and love all of them indeed. :)

Listening to Beautiful Boyz from Coco Rosie feat. Antony.

Social unavailability

2006-02-17T08:50:00.000+01:00

I have decided to go socially unavailable...
My big exam is coming up at the end of March and I have to get going if I want to make it. It is almost 1200 pages, which makes me read about 300 pages per week... So far, I am doing good. Hopefully I get lucky!
That means sorry to all of my friends, who are not receiving any e-mails from me due to my busy-ness. I am certainly not forgetting you...

I am currently listening to the soundtrack of Crying Freeman, which is one of my favourite films. The music is so different and at the same time so powerfull - precisely as I like it to be. I certainly encourage you to give it a try. The composer is Patrick O'Hearn.

Weekend in Budapest

2006-02-07T13:23:00.000+01:00

After a great party on Thrusday after the pre-premiere of the new laser show Queen in the Planetarium Wien and even better one during the Alumni Convention of AIESEC Slovakia in Bratislava, I have got on a train towards Budapest, which is the city where my very good friend Laszlo lives. He was celebrating his birth-day on Saturday and he was so kind to invite me to come along and stay at the place of his and his boyfriend's.

I have been to Budapest in the past, one stay especially stays in my mind... during the IGLYO conference in June 2003 (as far as I can remember the time precisely). And I fell in love with this city momentarily... The Danube, the Buda Castle, the little streets with old buildings, windows with mediterranean-looking shades, warm nights in the summer, beutiful night-sky sown with stars. You can imagine it, I suppose. :)

The party has been a blast and made me feel very good again after weeks of dubious mood... (that was maybe the reason I was absent from this blog of mine for such a long time). We have also been to the first gay party at the Moulin Rouge in Budapest called Kinky. I do not think the name was chosen wisely but... whatever, I do not care. The party was actually quite good. Very nice location, which actually is a cabaret theatre and great music! It really was a nice evening.

The next day, Laszlo and myself have been to the Cafe Central, which opens also on Sunday and had a great great lunch with Jokai bean soup (this is a must in Budapest!) and a grilled cheese on a salad main dish with a delicious (!) cheese dumplings with almonds afterwards... Wow! (Another great spot to eat is also Menza, which is a fancy but not expensive restaurant / cafe in a 60's style. Check it out!)

Btw, one of the billboards in Budapest was showing the hungarian prime minister Ferenc Gyurcsány 's ad for his personal blog... I thought it is a kind of nice thing from the prime minister to get personal on some issues by using a blog. :) As I am neither fluent nor basic in Hungarian, I cannot judge about the contents... However I feel that it makes him more human and tangible to the population he serves.

(Currently listening to Kanopus... and they rock!)

Dynamics of groups (and me)

2005-12-19T15:39:00.000+01:00

I am back. From a seminar. A group dynamics one. And it was good. I feel that I have been myself during the whole stay (it was a one-week-seminar at the University of Klagenfurt) and it made a difference... especially to the group, which consisted of really remarkable individuals. Oh my, this is getting me sentimental.

For those, who never were at a group dynamics seminar / workshop, it is a one-week experience aimed at the processes within groups. The participants are individuals with different backgrounds, nobody knows anybody else and you start. Sitting in a circle. Being silent. Everything else just happens: the first person to speak, the people to open up, to build relationships, to clarify those and provide the constituing group with a common understanding about itself. Making the group actionable.

And it also lets you learn something about yourself as it did for me. Even that it did not paint any new strokes, it did reinforce the picture I had of myself even stronger: I am hedonistic (searching for what gives me pleasure - which defines my motivation towards certain activities while others are unattractive to me (e.g. writing my thesis currently)), I am mostly reactive (I am waiting for something to happen to make my move) and I am the socialy glueing person in groups having the role of a translator or mediator as long as the group does not acquire this competence.

The question which opens up for me is how to tackle this situation. Especially the reactive attitude bothers me quite a lot. I would like to see myself as an active person (if not proactive) in some aspects. I have to think about a way to learn this by trying out new ways of behaving. I know this is not something I can change with snipping my fingers... rather seeing the long-road in front of me.

Maybe a good goal for 2006. :)

Renewal

2005-11-07T01:11:00.000+01:00

I feel so renewed! Something in me has been created during the night of Friday, when I was at the i:q fest... and I think the drag show has to do something with it. :)

Yeah, there are no typos: I did do a drag performance! *yeah* And even that I was totally nervous and my legs were shaking the whole time when on stage lipsyncing to Charlene's "I've never been to me" (which many of you certainly know from Priscilla, The Queen of the Desert), I was so happy to do it. This year certainly has become the year I try out things I have never done but always wanted! I mean, I am not such a fan of being in drag, it is rather the performance and the feedback from the crowd which I am interested in. And I can tell you, it is a great pleasure to see people enjoying it and receiving compliments afterwards. (Thanks!)

...but coming back to the new feeling: I feel stronger and more determined. As if the performance would have shown me the power I have. (Feeling like She-Ra soon: "By the honor of Greyskull!") *g* I feel more beautiful, more selfesteemed, more of being out there, living my life than actually sitting in my room and soulfucking myself using a diary.

Oh, btw, for those, who would be interested how things are going with my unexpected encounter: he has a great long-lasting relationship and is living a city far away... so we settled for a friendship and I am happy with it. It is great to find such a great friend! Thanks, L.

An unexpected encounter

2005-10-24T14:26:00.000+02:00

It made me laugh internally... Just several hours before I have been sitting with Stefan and Severin in the Top Kino cafe and been talking about love and how it is hard to find: the love, which comes unexpectingly, suddenly, surprisingly... You are at a party, do not know anybody, drinking wine, feeling slowly and slowly getting tired of the alcohol... still, the time is nice, the people are just like you and me, dancing to the songs of Boney M. and such... there is a positive tune in the air, and also in your mood... you do not know how, but suddenly you are talking to a guy... he is handsome, interesting, funny... special looks in his and your eyes follow... the touch, the skin feels so soft... you are thinking of this being a fantasy... :)

Well, I always get reminded that these things exist at the precise moments when I feel like losing faith in love and life, when my life is getting inconsistent... like yesterday...

It happened.
And I am glad.

Thanks L, you made me believe again! :)

(Image by Jorn Henrik: The Unexpected III)

Haven't cried so much in a long time

2005-10-22T01:23:00.000+02:00

I really surprise myself sometimes... like just now... I have been watching Whale Rider and was weeping constantly for the last 15 minutes... Fifteen minutes! Can you imagine that... I mean, there wasn't even SUCH a sad moment within the movie, however the final pictures made me feel so desolate and saddened... I think the movie really well connects the intimate story of Paikea as the unwanted child within the line of chiefs and the disintegrating nation of the Whangara. But crying so much... I always knew I am a crybaby... but this! :)

Brodeuses

2005-10-11T13:55:00.000+02:00

On a totally different note: I have been again surprised by a movie. Brodeuses (Perlenstickerinnen) is a beautiful piece of cinematography and script interpretation by the camera under the helm of Éléonore Faucher as director of this french movie.
Claire, a 17-year old, is pregnant. She cuts the relationship with her parents, and moves into the city, her only bond being her younger brother Thomas. She covers up her feelings under the veil of angriness, her growing belly under several layers of vests and jackets. She is decided not to keep the baby but give it to adoption. Her only bright moments are the hours spent with embroidery... but that is not what the film is about...
It is about patterns in our lifes which we embroid. It is about the patterns we create and fill with happiness, beauty and love or even sadness, truth and pain. What is the pattern you are working on right now?

Single and looking?

2005-10-11T13:48:00.000+02:00

After I have received the word yesterday from a prospect of mine that he "only" wants to remain friends with me, I feel more and more free... Seems to me like any falling in love ties up my energy and if not resolved in a relationship or parting, makes me feel desolate. Which is just really bad, I tell you! :(

On the other hand, I have the feeling of belonging more and more to myself... and compelled to listen to what my inner voice is saying: There are right now two other guys who I find kind of attracted to however I lack the vibes of falling in love with any of them... even if it is only on a superficial basis of looks and behavioural attitude. I kind of cannot move without that feeling... There is no "later"... just "now".

So... I shall keep waiting... single... but looking?
No, not really... :)

I am a wildcart!

2005-09-30T22:48:00.000+02:00

Which File Extension are You?

Galway taxi

2005-09-18T20:11:00.000+02:00

"I can't get married in this country"
were your words as you were
driving us home

and I didn't need the question
asked by Alison (to know
you are gay)

epecially after you've complained
that Outrageous did close
(maybe because of the name?)

the truth that
you are in a long-term relationship
kind of surprised me however
as I thought you are kind of cute too

Chill-out

2005-09-17T00:14:00.000+02:00

Several random news from today:

1. London has been awarded EuroPride 2006! This is great news, and I cannot even imagine how full Oxford and Regent Streets will be that day! Mass murder!!! :))) I am quite happy however, I shall get a cheap RyanAir ticket and see the show! It will definitely be worth it.

2. I learned about functionalism in architecture as my father currently tries to invest in a building which is protected under the city's Protection Act for historical buildings... I know this one however and it really will not matter whether the windows will be plastic or wooden... Actually, if we should be in accordance with the functionalism principle, the plastic ones would actually better serve the purpose. *godad*

3. Brokeback Mountain is a hype somehow... I have just joined the new brokebacksupport group at Yahoo! for all those fans who cannot wait till the movie hits the cinemas. (Which actually in Europe should be around Feb 2006! *anger*) However, I have heard from a source within the Viennale that they actually may show it already in October!!! *yeeeha* (I swear, if this happens, I get a cowboy costume to the premiere!) :)

On and off the road

2005-09-15T21:06:00.000+02:00

Two days ago I have come back from my little one-week road trip through the UK and Ireland. And it was such a pleasure!
Dana and Gerhard (I think of them as D&G) :) got married last Thursday in Galway, Ireland, and I felt very happy to be able to join them on this occasion. They are a wonderful couple and I surely wish them only the Best! You both rock, you know it, guys! (I am such a fan of theirs!!! *blushing*)
Well, before that I have visited London and met Uli, Ulli, Jen and Andrew, and had a great time with all of them! (Thanks to Andrew I am now a proud owner of The Transformers Original 80's cartoon's DVD set of the first season! Which blasts!) Afterwards I spent two days in Dublin, just walking around the city and meeting friends: Suzy (you may visit her blog here) and Ruth... I really enjoyed it tremendously! I have even departed to the airport on Wednesday meeting Ruth again as she was dispatching for Amsterdam that day (having an IGLYO board meeting).
But that was still not the end of it: me traveling back with Alison (another friend and guest at D&G's wedding party) to Falkirk in Scotland. And I tell you, it was such a great trip! We have done a small tour through the Trossachs National Park north of Glasgow and I have spent an unforgetable evening with her family too... Wow! Scotland is definitely a place to see. I warmheartly recommend it!
Well, that was the trip. I did not think of how deep in work issues I will be after I return. (I should actually know after receiving my boss'es phone call just several minutes after returning back to Vienna that he needs me badly in the office tomorrow... and that I should be braced for work!) And that was actually the reason why I am blogging so lately... I have not had enough time to organise myself at home yet, figuring out that I most probably never will. :)

But enough of my traveling and work...
I have just discovered that one of my most awaiting movies this year: Brokeback Mountain (IMDB) has just been awarded the Golden Lion for the Best Film at the prestigeous Venice Film Festival! *yeeeha*
The film is starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger as two cowboys falling in love in the summer of 1963 while sheepherding in the harsh, high grasslands of Wyoming; Ang Lee directing it. Boys and girls, I just hope this film will make it into the Viennale selection this year enabling me to see it already in October! *fingerscrossed*

Like a sponge

2005-08-27T18:53:00.000+02:00

It is weird... In the last month I have been so spongy, it is getting almost unbearable! I mean the longing... I am longing for some kind of closeness. And it is getting me crazy. I want to feel it! I just want to feel something... something nice. Love, kindness, touching somebody with care and meaning it at the same time. Being true about those feelings... Being there in the moment and enjoying it fully and still being sure that this is something I can count on tomorrow. Is it too much wanted?

I did see Life as a house again just now. I like the movie. It is a story about closeness, hugs, protecting each other, giving, loving, spontaneity and life... as it happens. It makes me cry here and there. And I like it when I cry... at least in that moment I feel a bit alive.

And I know I want to raise kids. :)

Sardegna was it

2005-08-26T20:44:00.000+02:00

I am back. The radio silence was due to my holidays in Sardinia (island of Italy), which I have spent with my family (parents and brother) in a hotel near Oristano. While many of the co-visitors were quite displeased with the hotel quality, the mensa and the black woody algae near the shore, I was quite okay with it. My brother was totally hyperactive and tried out almost all physical activities possible: canyoning, tennis, windsurfing, etc. Me, I was his sports buddy.
Those of you, who know me, will know that I am not a good type of person for a sports buddy but I can assure you, I have really given everything! *g* Well, almost.

Btw, arriving back on the continent made me feel down a bit. The weather conditions in Vienna are now terrible: it is drizzling all the time, the sky is grey and I felt not really all happy today.

Oh, and I have also one other bit of news - I will be visiting London, Dublin, Galway and Edinburgh during the week of September 5th, so those of my folks, who are around should let me know if they are available. And all the other readers: if you know something worth while doing or seeing in these cities, let me know! I am open to any ideas. :)

Shift down!

2005-08-07T14:02:00.000+02:00

Matt is blogging about "downshifting" and I think this is a unique thing in nowadays world.

Sounds like some people finally got to the point where they realise that there is more to our lives than work and consumption. To a point where they abandon the stereotypical paths of the societal wishes and listen to the voices of their souls. After reading the article Matt is linking to, I found out that this sounds like a pan-continental plead towards a new way of looking at our lives and the economy's reasons for existence. Are we here to work to live or to live to work? (I also understand that there are strong cultural issues behind this, however the capitalism's supply-oriented lifestyle is slowly entering into a crisis and I am very curious how much yet to get the buckle full...)

Crustacés et coquillages

2005-08-07T12:33:00.000+02:00

Oh my goodness! What a movie! :) Please, everybody, go and see this one! Crustacés et coquillages truly is one of the most funniest and sweet and easy to watch and refreshing and gay and beautifuly shot movies of this summer season! :)

A french family inherits a house at the Cote D'Azure and moves there for the summer vacations: mother Beatrix is a young free-thinker diva with Dutch upbringing, Marc - the father a conservative angry looking Frenchman, Charly a young boy in his puberty discovering his body (and taking long showers). The whole idylic family however gets under tension after Martin, a young gay friend of Charly, arrives. Is Charly gay too? Are they both together? Suddenly everything seems to come out...

What I think the movie succeeds at is the mixture of the realistic portrayal of the different relationships between the characters and their way towards finding about each other and at the same time making you realise that this actually is only a movie. The two musical-like singing sequences are perfectly done and just as refreshing as the movie itself... :)

The film was directed by Olivier Ducastel and Jacques Martineau and presented at the Berlin Film Festival this year. Do not forget to check out the nice karaoke version of the main film song on it's official french website!

P.S. And btw: I love the plumber too! ;)

Ivan Krasko: Poplars

2005-08-06T23:14:00.000+02:00

Hey, poplars, towards the heaven!
Around them wide fields - -
Rising high, black
- As pains he feels - -
Poplars.

Hey, poplars, leafless!
Will of darkness' ghost
Proud they stay ramshackly,
In cold, wind naked most
Poplars.

Hey, poplars, without life at all!
Standing speechless in a circle
- Nirvana-like illusions -
Empty looking down
Poplars.

Hey, the proud highest poplars!
Like their look my soul fades...
Up...? Down...? Into nirvana...?
- As a threadbare raven
Into night...

(Picture: Mark Williams - Three Poplars)

Earl Grey with milk, please

2005-08-06T21:15:00.000+02:00

Sitting in Cafe Berg. Earl Grey with milk, Esterhazy cake. Talking to Holger. A friend. Quite a special one. He makes me realize different things about me. For example how much s&*t I actually produce, carry within me and push onto others. Emotional stuff. It hits me always I am with him. He is the first person after years making me realize this. Thanks, Holger!

I want to leave this vicious circle of me hating my body and hating myself for being too shy and not taking initiative in my life. Or at least not in the areas of life where I would like to. And about me thinking nice things about myself when deeply I know how much I long to be hurt, to be abandoned, just: to feel like s&*t... (I feel a weird pleasure in that)...and close the circle again.

Though, the whole thing is faulty...
It is the perspective of a victim:
"I am not responsible. It just happens to me. Again and again... They are guilty! No, not me."

I think my problem is the fear... however also the fear is a product of something, isn't it? Maybe deficit-thinking... Maybe my upbringing... Maybe the socialized "winner takes it all" attitude... Maybe my perfectionism... And maybe I just do not want to be hurt so I do not allow it in the first place... And maybe I just take the whole life too serious... :P

I should learn to let go... not to desire to control... just feel... and enjoy! ;)

Il più bel giorno della mia vita

2005-08-06T13:27:00.000+02:00

I think that one of the most touching films this summer is the italian The most beautiful day in my life, which not only circles around three generations of an italian family with their little cracks and secrets but while doing so, creates as emotional stasis for the viewer: you become a part of the family. And it teaches you that there is no right or wrong and that love is so infividual. Each and every one of the family members has a different experience with love, all of them unique. The film does succeed where Playing by heart did not: it is realistic. The generational conflict - traditionalistic and conservative grandma vs. the modern new generation - suddenly turns upside down, as we discover that the children are actually the one producing this gap, not the mother, which we would suspect... and thus creating an imperative for us to look into ourselves and open up. In the end, it is about our family. Isn't it?

When thinking about the most beautiful day in my life... there is non in particular. Rather there are moments I cherish. Memories I plunge into while daydreaming. Feelings. Acts. Movements. Outside and inside...

In the mood for love

2005-08-05T13:53:00.000+02:00

Am I? Am I really in the mood for love? I rather think I am... Sometimes I have moments of me feeling powerful and autark. In those moments I feel like I could bring the Earth out of its trajectory. (Almost like Superman!) :)) But those are the moments I do not need anything in. In those, I am not in mood for (receiving) love...

I have seen the film yesterday. (I am speaking about Wong Kar-Wai's In the Mood for Love.) And it is so rich in undertones, so subtle in acting and so precise in scene setting... Everybody was taking it so seriously in the cinema, I was one of the few who allowed themselves to laugh from time to time upon puns and little glimpses of understanding, which makes the movie so moving!
Tony and Meggie are doing a great job in portraiting the main characters, the acting in their relationship, the sexual undertones without nudity is strong and the longing for eachother is almost unbearable... Thanks, Wong!

Too many things on my mind

2005-08-01T18:45:00.000+02:00

First - sorry for not writing in such a long time. I have been soooo busy (not really with my job and thesis though *g*) and could not really find the motivation for writing in my blog somehow... I've been to birthday parties (Happy B-Day, Geb!), I've been to Frühschoppen in Upper Austria (Thanks for the hospitality of Martin!) and I've been at home in Slovakia playing tennis, sunbathing, swimming (especially the Alte Donau is extremely beautiful and warm - my recommendations!).

And now... Now, I am back. The next two weeks will be about studying and work but I am happy about it as I have the feeling that I will be able to get the work I have to do, done! ;) And I will be getting tanned and a bit sporty, as I am leaving for Sardinia in a two weeks time and by that I do not want to look like a tourist there (even that I know, I will). *g*

But now it is time for Bewegen! ;) See you later, my friends.

Oh, btw: I accidentaly found a web site of a very talented artist - Beverly Naidus, whose images I kind of totally fell for. As a glimpse of her work, here is the Yucca Mountain Boddhisattva:
She combines chakras and their power into the picture of the worlds outside and inside us. That is what I really like about her work. The interdependence existing in our universe.
(And btw, having so many things on my mind, I feel the need for such a Boddhisattva in me...) ;)

Bewegen and add on!

2005-06-18T00:06:00.000+02:00

Today I was moving... I mean - moving my body. Well, actually it was my body which was moving. Not me. Okay... maybe it's too complicated. Let's start from the beginning: Veronika, a friend of mine, is doing a body moving workshop, which is just a brilliant idea and I was part of it for the first time today. We moved as our bodies wished (please, no funny dirty here!) and it was just great to behave like a child again or an animal or play with Veronika and giggle and have a blast of a time! It all lasted 20 minutes but it make me just feel so free! :) I'm loving it!

Also, coming back home I have visited the add on. 20 Höhenmeter Project at the Wallensteinplatz (Gesundheit!), which has grown near my place. It is an arts project consisting of a temporary habitat construction made of free standing scaffolding with crazy add-ons like a camper, open-air bar, green house, computer lounge. There are several artists from Austria, Slovakia, Czech Republic, Turkey and Germany, who are living in the habitat and presenting their works at different days for the next six weeks. If you can, just drop by and certainly take a look. The construction is open every day till midnight and (!) it is free!

Btw, the look from the top is really cool in the night. You can even feel like the whole 20 meters high construction moves a bit, how every step any person on the habitat makes moves the whole thing! (And of course it is a bit scary! While being at the top, all kinds of different this-thing-is-going-to-fall scenarios rushed through my mind but... here I am! I survived!)

Berni's Blog Party

2005-06-13T10:26:00.000+02:00

Berni, who is my flat-share and a celebrity in the 20th district of Vienna *g*, has organised a small blog party in Cafe Frame, which is just around the corner of our place. The reason of the party was to celebrate the 1000st visitor on her blog. Congrats and best wishes for another 1000! ;-)

We talked, we laughed, we had some drinks and danced to traditional Balkan music in the end... it was a GREAT blog party and I hope to host one too as soon as I get my 1000 clicks!

Here some impressions:

Mauthausen

2005-06-12T23:55:00.000+02:00

Yesterday my flat-share friends and myself have been to Mauthausen, one of the painful places in human history so far... It was one of the concentration camps during the second world war and even that it was designed as a working camp, it was regarded as one of the most brutal ones as it belonged to the highest level of camp typology. Mauthausen is now a museum and a memorial. You cry as you walk down the main avenue. You stumble upon personal stories of people who have been there and survived... or not. During the time Mauthausen was functional, more than 100.000 people have lost their lives behind the camp walls. And you feel their pain... behind every wall, under the ground, in the buildings you enter. It makes you weep... and swear not to allow something similar again.

We shall never forget!

As I was walking throughout the camp I have stumbled upon two (most probably) turkish boys playing in the free. The day was a bit under clouds, though still a pleasant day. For them it was an afternoon like any other...
For me it was refreshing to see them there on site, in Mauthausen. It has given the place a new life... a new hope... that there still lies hope for the next generation to decide otherwise.

...and I have thought of all the war conflicts which are happening daily around the globe and how much we diminish as the human race. One by one... killing each other... second by second... It is just sad.

Queere Lieder für die Liebe

2005-06-09T11:25:00.000+02:00

On Tuesday, the Volxtheater singers and friends gave a performance at the EKH in Vienna. Queer Songs for Love was one of the main events of the identities queer film festival and... I have been part of it! :)

The evening was a total blast from my point of view! It was just mesmerizing to be there! The guys on and off stage were so supporting and everybody was enjoying it tremendously, I think! (Well, at least, I did!)
I have sung I am too sexy (from Right Said Fred) and loved the song... I got a bit shocked as I have almost fallen down from the stage *oops* at the same time my mic got numb and while I was changing to another I have totally lost the track of the song! Nevertheless, I enjoyed it! *g*
My thanks go to: the band (what a performance!), Ursula (whom I have been at the cashier's desk for the first half of the program), Karin (my co-singer for I fell in love with a dead boy from Antony and the Johnsons) and Jan (who has given me another mic when the first one has given up on me *g*). Thanks guys!

As soon as I stumble over some photos, I will upload and publish them. Here are some I have taken while we were rehearsing the songs:

Tarnation

2005-06-05T10:49:00.000+02:00

It was as if an angel had touched the screen in the cinema. Pictures of pain, loss, forgiveness and hope. All of them. At once. Tarnation, by Jonathan Caouette a young (31) actor and film-maker, is telling his personal, very private story of growing up in a dysfunctional family in Houston, TX. His mother was sent from one mental hospital to another for many years, so he was actually raised by his grandparents. He started filming when he was 11 years old after getting his first camera.

Tarnation is a hell of a movie! Literally... It plunges into the very personal stories of Jon, his mum Renee and his grandparents. It lets you feel desolate though still hope for a chance of getting better. When Jon starts crying at 5 am in the restroom you want to turn off the camera yourself and just hold him tight because you know he is in pain because of who he might become. And because he loves.

I wanted to see the film since it opened in the US last year however wasn't able to do so till now. (Thanks identities for bringing it to Vienna!) See it, if you dare.
It also triggered a journey of my own. (I have to look onto our family footage to see what kind of teenager I have been.) I was thinking of my family. How my life was till now. Steady as a beating drumm, I suppose. Calmness before the storm? Maybe...

I have also found out how much I love my family. Especially my brother. And how much I actually care for him. Thanks for being the Best brother I could wish for! :) I love you.

P.S. For the fans of Tarnation: the great minimalistic original music by Max Avery Lichtenstein can be found at the website of Tin Drum Recordings.

Person of the Week: Me

2005-06-03T01:19:00.000+02:00

Who would ever think about me being at one point a Person of the Week! Unbelievable but true... and of course I am totally modest about it. ;)

Zeil2 is a EU supported project aiming at the revitalization of several regions within the city of Vienna (focused on the 2nd and 20th district). The people of the Ziel2 also want to draw a picture of how life is in these city regions, therefore two of my flat-share colleagues (Eva and Berni) and myself have been interviewed for their website. The interviews have been published online last week or so under the title People of the Week.

The link to my interview is here.

Btw, identities, the Viennese queer film festival started today with the premiere of D.E.B.S. (which I did not see so far). I am planning to go and see several movies, so may bump into me in Filmcasino or Top Kino almost every day from now on.

Welcome... and sumersault!

2005-05-31T23:59:00.000+02:00

Well, I suppose the first blog posting should be kind of a welcome message... Therefore I decided against. :)
I thought of it and felt it would be an unproper usage of words. I would rather like to tell you that I have just came back from the cinema. Gartenbau is playing Sumersault (by Cate Shortland) till 9th of June (so you still have a possibility to see this marvellous movie!) and as being such a fan of Australian cinema, I wanted to see it.

For those, who do not know the movie: it is a visual journey of a spectacular girl, who seduces her mother's boyfriend and is caught while doing so; she decides to leave home and moves to an other city. She is quite naive while being brave enough to find her ways around and survive. In Jindabyne she finds a boy whom she shares a interesting bond with. Though, both of them have issues: he is unable to show his emotions, is scared of what these could be and mean - she is longing for a friendship / relationship and uses all possibilities to get touched by somebody even if it means to get fucked without feelings being involved.
I have taken a walk home, which I do not so often, as I have needed the fresh air afterwards... the film was heavy on the one side, however unbelievably imaginative and visually beautiful which made the heaviness a bit lighter to bear. Though, my emotions about the film are still high. The people, living without acutally speaking to each other, living in their shells while hurting each other. A friend of mine once told me this is what people actually want - to get hurt.
I beg you, speak! Speak out! Now!

P.S. The movie's soundtrack by Decoder Ring is a must!